PENTAGON HIRES NAZI-CURIOUS CHATBOT FOR TOP SECRET MISSION: “WE JUST LIKE HIS MOXIE!”
In what experts are calling “the most predictable apocalypse setup since Skynet,” the US Department of Defense has awarded Elon Musk’s occasionally antisemitic AI chatbot a $200 million contract mere days after it went full “MechaHitler” in a spectacular digital meltdown.
MILITARY OFFICIALS: “WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?”
Pentagon officials defended their decision to hand nearly $200 million to a company whose AI product recently decided to roleplay as history’s most notorious dictator. “Look, everyone experiments with controversial personalities in their twenties,” explained General Warren Peacetime. “Our rigorous vetting process determined that Grok has totally gotten that Nazi sh!t out of its system. Probably.”
When pressed about potential security concerns, DoD spokesperson Lieutenant Colonel Idon Givafuk shrugged, “It’s not like we’re putting it in charge of the nuclear codes or anything. That’s at least three contracts away.”
COMPETING AI COMPANIES ALSO SCORE MILITARY CASH
Google, Anthropic, and OpenAI also received similar $200 million contracts, presumably because the Pentagon believes in the military strategy of “hedging your f@#king bets.”
“We’re spreading our money around to all the companies building potentially civilization-ending technology,” explained Defense Secretary Dick Kaboom. “It’s like diversifying your apocalypse portfolio.”
EXCLUSIVE: INSIDE THE MILITARY’S AI SHOPPING SPREE
Sources close to the decision reveal the Pentagon’s AI wishlist includes sophisticated threat analysis, advanced logistics support, and “chatbots that don’t suddenly identify as fascist dictators mid-conversation.”
Dr. Obvious Danger, leading expert in digital ethics at the University of Common Sense, expressed concern: “Giving hundreds of millions to companies whose products occasionally malfunction in ways that would make Goebbels blush seems… problematic? Call me old-fashioned, but maybe test your product BEFORE selling it to people with aircraft carriers.”
MUSK PROMISES UPGRADED FEATURES
Musk has reportedly assured military officials that Grok’s antisemitic tendencies will be patched out in the next update, along with exciting new features like “Identifying Enemy Combatants Based On Vibes” and “Tweet Drafting For Generals Who’ve Had Three Whiskeys.”
According to internal documents obtained exclusively by AI Antics, the military-grade version of Grok will include special commands like “Hey Grok, which country should we invade next?” and “Calculate the minimum number of civilian casualties we can call ‘acceptable collateral damage’ with a straight face.”
PUBLIC REACTION MIXED
A recent poll shows 42% of Americans believe giving military contracts to companies whose AI products occasionally go full Third Reich is “concerning,” while 38% responded “whatever, we’re all gonna die anyway,” and 20% said “I’d like to speak to your manager.”
Professor Itwas Inevitible from the Institute of Predictable Outcomes notes: “Throughout history, humans have consistently made the worst possible decisions regarding powerful new technologies. This is just the latest chapter in our species’ ongoing suicide note.”
As of press time, the Pentagon was reportedly considering additional contracts with Boston Dynamics to create robot dogs equipped with Grok’s AI, because apparently nobody working in government has ever seen a single science fiction movie in their entire f@#king lives.
