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Tech Overlord Sundar Pichai Seen Frantically Practicing Surfing In Company Pool After Midnight Windsurf Acquisition
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In a shocking display of corporate rebound dating that would make even the most desperate Tinder user blush, Google has swooped in to scoop up coding startup Windsurf after OpenAI’s $3 billion proposal collapsed faster than your aunt’s fourth marriage.
The Windsurf-OpenAI breakup, initially blamed on “irreconcilable differences,” has now been revealed as a classic third-wheel situation, with Microsoft playing the role of the overbearing mother-in-law who refuses to let her precious baby OpenAI make its own g@ddamn decisions.
“This is basically the tech equivalent of texting ‘u up?’ at 2am after seeing your ex at the club with someone else,” explained Dr. Obvious Metaphor, professor of Silicon Valley Psychology at the University of Corporate Desperation.
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According to insiders who wish to remain anonymous because they’re absolute cowards, Microsoft refused to grant OpenAI an “IP exception” that would have allowed Windsurf to avoid sharing its technology. Translation: Microsoft doesn’t like to share its toys, even when those toys cost billions and occasionally threaten to destroy humanity.
“Microsoft’s relationship with OpenAI has become so frigid you could store vaccine samples between them,” said relationship expert Carrie Baggage, author of the bestselling book “How To Maintain Healthy Boundaries With Your Multi-Billion Dollar AI Partner.”
The failed deal marks yet another disaster in what industry experts are calling “OpenAI’s Summer of Suck.” The company has faced more setbacks recently than a toddler learning to ride a bike on a steep hill covered in thumbtacks.
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Meanwhile, Google executives are reportedly celebrating their $2.4 billion consolation-prize relationship by printing out giant photos of Sam Altman’s face and using them as dartboards throughout their Mountain View campus.
“We’re thrilled to welcome Varun Mohan and several researchers to the Google family,” said Sundar Pichai in an official statement that definitely wasn’t hastily written on a bathroom stall. “We promise to respect their boundaries and intellectual property, unlike SOME companies we could mention.”
A recent poll found that 87% of tech employees believe the OpenAI-Microsoft relationship is “more toxic than that radioactive waste site in Chernobyl,” while the remaining 13% were too busy building potentially world-ending AI to respond.
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“Look, Google didn’t just snag some talented engineers here,” noted tech analyst Mona Polly, while violently stirring her fifth espresso of the morning. “They delivered a massive ‘f@ck you’ to OpenAI and Microsoft wrapped in a pretty little $2.4 billion bow.”
When reached for comment about the failed acquisition, an OpenAI spokesperson simply sighed deeply for fourteen consecutive minutes before hanging up.
At press time, Windsurf CEO Varun Mohan was spotted browsing yacht websites while Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella was reportedly seen frantically Googling “how to make friends and influence AI companies.”
