DEBT-RIDDEN PHD GRAD DISCOVERS ADVANCED DEGREE ACTUALLY STANDS FOR “PRETTY HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT”
Local woman with three degrees and £90k debt discovers higher education’s primary function now just keeping university heating bills paid
OVERQUALIFIED AND UNDERPAID
Sheffield resident Susie, whose last name has been withheld to prevent LinkedIn recruiters from sending her irrelevant job postings, reportedly applied to over 700 jobs after completing her PhD last year, only to spend nine months unemployed while watching her student debt accrue interest faster than her will to live.
“I spent 8 years in higher education thinking I was investing in my future,” Susie told reporters while scanning job listings at her parents’ kitchen table. “Turns out I just paid £90,000 for the privilege of being rejected by f@#king ASDA.”
THE HUMAN TOUCH: NOW JUST ANOTHER LUXURY GOOD
Employment experts note that AI isn’t just replacing entry-level jobs; it’s also enabling employers to ghost candidates with unprecedented efficiency.
“These days, algorithms can review your carefully tailored application and decide you’re worthless in milliseconds,” explained Dr. Ima Screwed, Professor of Futile Career Studies at the University of Economic Despair. “What once took a bored HR person three days to not read now happens faster than you can say ‘student loan repayment.'”
CAREFULLY REVIEWED BY ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
Susie reports receiving rejections mere minutes after submitting applications that took entire days to prepare, each claiming her materials had been “carefully reviewed” despite clear evidence they were digitally tossed into the void.
“Two minutes after submitting my application, I got an email saying they’d ‘carefully reviewed’ my documents,” Susie said. “Unless they employed The Flash as their HR director, that’s complete bullsh!t.”
According to recent statistics pulled directly from our a$$, 98% of job rejection emails containing the phrase “carefully reviewed” are generated before any human has seen the application, and 100% of HR departments consider two minutes of algorithmic scanning equivalent to “careful consideration.”
INTERVIEW GHOSTING: THE NEW PROFESSIONAL STANDARD
In perhaps the most disturbing trend, Susie reports being completely ghosted by 70% of employers, including some after multiple interview rounds.
“I spent four hours in interviews with one company, met the entire team, completed a project for them, and then… nothing. Complete silence,” Susie said. “It’s like dating someone for a month and then they suddenly change their phone number, move houses, and pretend you never existed.”
Professor Hugh Manity of the Institute for Basic Decency says this behavior reflects a concerning trend. “Companies now view job applicants the way most people view those free sample workers at Costco. They’ll take what you’re offering and then pretend they don’t see you when they walk by again.”
EXPERTS SUGGEST NEW STRATEGY
Career coach Rita Bullsh!t suggests graduates consider a new approach to job hunting. “Instead of tailoring applications, just have ChatGPT generate 10,000 slightly different versions of your CV and carpet bomb every employer in a 500-mile radius. It’s essentially what everyone else is doing.”
At press time, Susie had finally secured employment at a local café, where she now uses her doctoral research skills to remember complicated coffee orders and her dissertation defense experience to politely explain to customers why they can’t have a free refill of their f@#king latte.
In related news, university administrators report record profits and absolutely zero regrets about continuing to promote higher education as the path to financial security despite mounting evidence that the only people getting rich in the system are the ones collecting the tuition checks.
