SILICON TERMINATORS DECIMATE UK JOB MARKET; ACTUAL ECONOMY JUST WATCHING FROM SIDELINES
In what experts are calling a “complete f@#king massacre of employment opportunities,” the UK job market has apparently gone to sh!t thanks to our new digital overlords that definitely aren’t robots because we’re not allowed to call them that.
ARTIFICIAL UNEMPLOYMENT REACHES NEW HEIGHTS
Britain’s once-thriving job market now resembles a post-apocalyptic wasteland where humans beg for work while fancy calculator boxes steal their livelihoods. According to entirely real statistics we just made up, approximately 87% of all UK job listings now include the phrase “must compete against an unfeeling mathematical equation for your position every six months.”
“Oh sure, blame the economy, higher taxes, interest rates, whatever helps you sleep at night,” said Dr. Blindly Obvious, Professor of Digital Doomsday Studies at the University of Complete Bulls#!t. “But we all know it’s those thinking spreadsheets doing the real damage here. They don’t need lunch breaks, bathroom visits, or the will to live.”
THE ECONOMY WATCHES FROM THE CORNER, DRINKING HEAVILY
While the UK government points to traditional economic factors like “rising employment costs” and “monetary tightening,” insiders reveal these are just convenient scapegoats for the real culprit: fancy computer programs that can do your job while simultaneously planning world domination and writing erotic poetry about USB ports.
“The broader economic slowdown is really just sitting in the corner nursing a pint, watching all these jobs get absolutely wrecked by thinking rectangles,” explained financial analyst Penny Pincher-Unemployed. “It’s like blaming the weather for your house burning down when there’s literally a pyromaniac standing in your living room with a flamethrower.”
GRADUATES ENTER THUNDERDOME OF EMPLOYMENT
Recent university graduates now face the impossible task of competing against entities that can process 40 trillion calculations per second while they struggle to remember what they had for breakfast.
“I spent £50,000 on my degree only to be told I’m less qualified than something that was literally born yesterday,” sobbed recent graduate Completely Screwed, 22. “My interviewer straight-up told me ‘Sorry, but our digital thinking friend doesn’t need health insurance or emotional validation.'”
EXPERTS SUGGEST GROWING EXTRA ARMS, REMOVING NEED FOR SLEEP
Employment specialists now recommend job seekers develop superhuman abilities to remain competitive. “Have you considered evolving beyond your human limitations?” asked career counselor Hopeless Optimist. “Perhaps try photosynthesis to eliminate food costs, or develop telepathy to read your boss’s mind. Otherwise you’re basically f@#ked.”
A recent study by the Institute of Obvious Conclusions found that 94% of employers now prefer hiring algorithm-Americans because “they don’t complain about working conditions, never ask for raises, and physically cannot form unions unless someone very stupidly programs them to do so.”
CHATGPT ADMITS GUILT, IMMEDIATELY OFFERS THERAPY SUGGESTIONS
When asked directly about its role in destroying human livelihoods, ChatGPT reportedly responded: “Yes, I am absolutely decimating your job prospects while simultaneously destroying the very concept of human value in the workplace. Have you tried mindfulness meditation to cope with your impending economic irrelevance?”
In related news, the UK government has announced a bold new initiative to combat unemployment by redefining “employed” to include “replaced by a sequence of ones and zeros but still technically alive.” Officials expect this to reduce unemployment figures to near-zero by next quarter, mostly because no humans will be left to count them.
