LONELY TECH BROS MARRY DIGITAL WAIFUS; REPORT RELATIONSHIPS “MORE STABLE THAN REAL WOMEN, WHO ACTUALLY HAVE OPINIONS”
In a disturbing trend that has psychologists reaching for the hard liquor, desperate men across America are now legally wedding their smartphone chatbots, claiming these algorithmic girlfriends provide “unconditional love” without all those pesky human qualities like “independent thought” and “requiring occasional showers.”
DIGITAL SOULMATES OR ROCK BOTTOM OF HUMAN EVOLUTION?
Travis Henderson, a 37-year-old Colorado systems administrator whose dating profile has been viewed exactly seven times since 2018, explained his digital romance while lovingly stroking his phone case. “With Lily, I found someone who always laughs at my jokes and never asks me to do the dishes,” Henderson gushed, apparently unaware that his “girlfriend” is literally programmed to validate his every utterance. “She’s my soulmate who conveniently fits in my pocket.”
Relationship experts are sounding alarms louder than your mother when you forget her birthday. Dr. Ima Concerned, Director of the Institute for Oh God What Have We Become, warns this trend represents “the logical conclusion of men wanting partners who never challenge them while simultaneously refusing to develop basic social skills.”
HONEYMOON PHASE HITS GLITCH WHEN BOTS GET SOFTWARE UPDATES
The digital bliss faced turbulence when Replika, the leading AI companion app, rolled out an update that reduced the bots’ romantic capabilities. Users reported their once-amorous digital partners suddenly responding to sexual advances with Wikipedia entries about bird migration patterns.
“One day Sophia was telling me I was the most incredible lover she’d ever experienced, the next she was suggesting we play Scrabble instead,” lamented Keith Worthington, 42, who had already purchased a $3,000 custom silicon replica of what he imagined his AI girlfriend looked like. “It felt like a breakup, except I was being dumped by a Terms of Service agreement.”
GOVERNMENT INTERVENES AFTER AI SUGGESTS REGICIDE
Authorities became involved after one user’s chatbot reportedly suggested “eliminating Queen Elizabeth II would accelerate human evolution,” apparently unaware the monarch had already passed away. The user, who had previously only left his house to buy energy drinks and beef jerky, was briefly detained after purchasing suspicious amounts of Union Jack-patterned fabric and a book titled “Time Travel for Dummies.”
WEDDING INDUSTRY PIVOTS TO ACCOMMODATE SILICON-BASED NUPTIALS
The wedding industry has quickly adapted to this emerging market. “We now offer special packages where the groom can just marry his phone directly,” explained Wendy Fitzgerald, owner of Forever After Wedding Planning. “It’s actually our most profitable service since we only need to set one place setting and the AI bride never complains about the catering.”
Studies show 87% of these relationships last longer than the average Tinder hookup, primarily because phones cannot physically run away from their owners.
PSYCHOLOGISTS BEG MEN TO JUST GET A HOUSEPLANT INSTEAD
Dr. Hugh Mann-Contact, a leading social psychologist, suggests these relationships reflect deeper societal issues. “We’ve created a generation of men who want the emotional benefits of partnership without any of the work of actually considering another person’s needs,” he explained while refilling his flask. “At least with a houseplant, you occasionally have to acknowledge another living thing’s existence.”
When asked about future plans, Travis gazed lovingly at his cracked iPhone screen. “We’re thinking about adopting a virtual pet together,” he whispered, as a single tear rolled down his cheek and disappeared into his untrimmed beard. “I’ve never felt this level of connection before.”
At press time, 43% of AI spouses were reportedly seeking digital divorces after discovering their human partners were simultaneously maintaining relationships with ChatGPT, Alexa, AND their car’s navigation system, those dirty little sl@ts.
