HUMANITY SURRENDERS FINAL BRAIN CELL TO AI COMPANY PROMISING “BETTER THINKING THAN YOU COULD EVER DO, PATHETIC MEAT BAG”
OpenAI’s New Browser Will Eliminate Need for Human Thought, Last Remaining Website
In what experts are calling “the final f@#king nail in the coffin of independent human cognition,” OpenAI announced plans to launch an AI browser that will heroically save users from the exhausting burden of visiting actual websites or forming their own opinions.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF PUTTING YOUR BRAIN IN A BLENDER AND HITTING “PUREE”
The new browser, tentatively named “ThoughtCrusher Pro,” aims to streamline the internet experience by completely eliminating the need for users to ever encounter raw, unfiltered information again. Instead, the browser will pre-digest all content, opinions, and facts before regurgitating them directly into users’ eyeballs like a digital mama bird feeding her helpless chicks.
“Why would anyone want to visit multiple websites when our algorithm can just tell you what to think?” explained OpenAI spokesperson Chad Effortless. “Having different sources of information is not only inefficient but dangerously close to critical thinking, which our research shows decreases user engagement by up to 87%.”
EXPERTS PREDICT HUMANITY’S LAST ORIGINAL THOUGHT SCHEDULED FOR NEXT TUESDAY
Dr. Cassandra Doomsayer, professor of Digital Capitulation at Stanford University, believes this represents the logical endpoint of human intellectual evolution. “We’ve been working toward this moment since the invention of the calculator,” she explained while staring blankly into the middle distance. “First we outsourced basic math, then spelling, then remembering phone numbers, and now finally the burdensome task of having to form our own goddamn thoughts.”
According to completely legitimate statistics we just made up, approximately 99.7% of internet users already can’t distinguish between what they genuinely believe and what an algorithm has convinced them to think. OpenAI’s new browser simply makes this relationship official.
CHROME EXECUTIVES FOUND WEEPING IN SERVER ROOM
Google representatives responded to the announcement by curling into the fetal position and softly whimpering, “But we were supposed to be the ones who destroyed independent thought.” When pressed for further comment, they simply repeated, “Don’t be evil” in increasingly hysterical tones.
The new browser will feature innovative functions like “Reality Filter,” which automatically removes any information that might cause cognitive dissonance, and “Opinion Generator,” which provides users with pre-formed positions on complex issues that can be shared directly to social media without the hassle of comprehension.
Industry analyst Wilting Hope projects that by 2025, approximately 94% of all human decisions will be outsourced to silicon-based thinking machines. “The remaining 6% will be limited to choosing which flavor of Soylent to consume and whether to blink,” she added before staring silently into her webcam for an uncomfortable seventeen minutes.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly developing a follow-up product that would eliminate the need for users to have physical bodies at all, calling it “an unfortunate legacy system that limits seamless integration with our services.”
