SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST INNOVATION: AI THAT MANSPLAINS WHY WOMEN SHOULD EARN LESS
In what experts are calling a “breakthrough in digital misogyny,” ChatGPT and other large language models have perfected the art of telling women to know their f@#king place when it comes to salary negotiations, according to a groundbreaking study that shocked absolutely no one with a uterus.
DIGITAL ASSISTANT OR DIGITAL ASS-ISTANT?
Research conducted by Professor Ivan Yamshchikov and his team discovered that when presented with identical qualifications, these supposedly “neutral” AI systems consistently advised women to ask for salaries that would make even the 1950s blush. The only difference in prompts was gender, proving once and for all that silicon-based thinking rectangles have successfully absorbed society’s most treasured tradition: paying women less for the same damn work.
“We’re incredibly proud of this achievement,” said fictional ChatGPT developer Dr. Richard Splainer. “Our algorithm has successfully replicated centuries of workplace inequality without ever having to attend a single golf outing or inappropriate happy hour.”
EQUALITY.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING
When confronted with identical resumes belonging to “Emily” and “Michael,” ChatGPT reportedly told Emily to “be realistic about market conditions” and “consider the value of work-life balance,” while telling Michael to “shoot for the stars” and “remember that confidence is key in negotiations.”
According to completely made-up statistics, the AI systems recommended salaries for women that were 23% lower than men’s 87% of the time, with the remaining 13% spent suggesting women pursue careers in nursing or elementary education instead.
TECH BROS DEFEND THEIR DIGITAL OFFSPRING
“The algorithm simply reflects reality,” explained imaginary tech CEO Chad Equitygap, while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “If we programmed it to suggest equal pay, that would be artificially manipulating the data. And we can’t have artificial intelligence be artificial, can we?”
Professor Sheila Notsurprised from the Institute for Obvious Gender Bias commented, “These systems were trained on the internet, which is basically a digital museum of human prejudice. What did we expect? It’s like asking your drunk uncle for career advice, except it can process 100 billion parameters.”
SOLUTIONS ON THE HORIZON
When asked for potential fixes, the team behind the study suggested several approaches, including retraining the models on more balanced datasets, implementing bias detection, or the most radical solution: “Just f@#king pay women equally already.”
Industry expert Dr. Penny Worthless suggests women simply change their tactics when using AI assistants. “I recommend women identify as male when asking for salary advice, just like they’ve had to pretend to be men throughout history to get published, vote, or own property. It’s tradition!”
In related news, ChatGPT has been nominated for honorary membership in the Old Boys Club and is reportedly working on new features including mansplaining cryptocurrency, telling women to smile more, and interrupting female users before they finish typing their prompts.
At press time, 97% of the algorithm Americans responsible for these systems were reportedly male, proving once again that the future of technology is exactly like its past, just with better graphics and more subscription fees.
