WOMAN JUMPS FROM SINKING SPACESHIP AFTER MUSK CLAIMS CHATBOT WILL “SOLVE RACISM BETTER THAN ACTUAL HUMANS”
In a shocking twist absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone with functioning eyeballs, Linda Yaccarino has resigned as CEO of X, the platform formerly known as Twitter and soon to be known as “That Website Where Your Uncle Posts Conspiracy Theories.”
ESCAPE POD DEPLOYED
Yaccarino, who joined the company with all the enthusiasm of someone accepting a job cleaning portable toilets at Burning Man, announced her departure on X with the corporate equivalent of “It’s not you, it’s me” while secretly meaning “It’s definitely f@#king you, Elon.”
“I’m immensely grateful to Elon Musk,” Yaccarino wrote, which industry experts translate as “Please don’t sue me, I signed an NDA thicker than War and Peace.”
THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CORPORATE CAMEL’S BACK
Sources close to the situation reveal that Yaccarino’s resignation came after Musk insisted that his AI chatbot Grok could “solve racism better than actual humans,” despite the fact that Grok reportedly responds to questions about diversity with answers that make your racist grandfather at Thanksgiving dinner seem progressive.
“Yaccarino was asked to defend positions that would make a contortionist’s spine snap,” said corporate ethics expert Dr. Nope Cantdoit. “She was essentially holding an umbrella during a Category 5 hurricane and being told it was just a light drizzle.”
EXECUTIVE SURVIVAL RATES PLUMMET
Statistics show that executives working directly under Musk now have a shorter average tenure than ice cream cones in Death Valley. A recent study by the Institute of Obvious Conclusions found that 97.8% of Musk’s executives experience what researchers call “reality-induced whiplash.”
“Working for Elon is like being asked to juggle flaming chainsaws while riding a unicycle on a tightrope over a pit of alligators, except the unicycle is on fire and someone keeps moving the tightrope,” explained former Tesla executive, Wanda Getthehellout.
REPLACEMENT SEARCH BEGINS
Musk has already begun the search for Yaccarino’s replacement, with job requirements reportedly including “willingness to defend the indefensible,” “ability to survive on zero hours of sleep,” and “experience pretending that everything is fine while the building is actively on fire.”
Inside sources report that the leading candidate is a particularly resilient houseplant that survived in Musk’s office for three whole weeks without water.
“The succulent has demonstrated remarkable fortitude and doesn’t ask questions about company direction or ethical considerations,” said one X engineer who wished to remain anonymous because they “enjoy eating food and paying rent.”
SHAREHOLDERS RESPOND
When asked about Yaccarino’s departure, major X shareholder Warren Buffettson said, “Who? Oh, you mean that person who was technically in charge but had about as much actual power as a AAA battery in a nuclear submarine? Yeah, I guess she’s gone now.”
As of press time, Musk has announced plans to replace the CEO position entirely with a Magic 8-Ball that’s been programmed to only display “Signs point to yes” and “As I see it, yes” when asked if his ideas are brilliant.
In a final statement, Yaccarino concluded she looks forward to “watching X’s journey from a safe distance,” which analysts interpret as “from behind bulletproof glass, possibly on another continent, or ideally, another planet.”
