SAMSUNG UNVEILS NEW PHONES THAT FOLD, COST THE EQUIVALENT OF HUMAN KIDNEY ON BLACK MARKET
Tech Giant Announces Revolutionary Devices That Do Same Sh!t As Last Year’s Models But Cost More
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – Samsung executives took to the stage Wednesday with the unbridled enthusiasm of cocaine-addicted squirrels to announce their latest technological breakthrough: phones that fold in half. Again. For the eighth f@#king time.
THE REVOLUTIONARY REVOLUTION THAT REVOLUTIONIZES REVOLUTIONS
The new Galaxy Fold9 boasts an impressive list of features identical to last year’s model, but with a slightly better camera and a price tag that financial experts describe as “absolutely bat-sh!t insane.” The device unfolds to reveal a tablet-sized screen that’s perfect for watching TikTok videos while pretending you’re doing actual work.
“This isn’t just a phone,” screamed Samsung CEO Han Jong-hee while violently folding and unfolding the device until security gently guided him to a chair. “This is the future! Again! Still! Forever!”
PRICING STRUCTURE DESIGNED BY SADISTIC ECONOMISTS
The base model starts at just $2,199, roughly equivalent to three months’ worth of groceries or one-half of an average American’s monthly rent. For an additional $500, customers can upgrade to the “Ultra Pro Max Plus Supreme” edition, which comes with a special feature that allows users to feel superior to iPhone owners in 37 different languages.
Dr. Spenda Lott, Professor of Consumer Psychology at the University of Obvious Conclusions, explains the pricing strategy: “Our research shows that 78.4% of consumers actively enjoy financial pain when it comes with a fancy box and the temporary admiration of complete strangers on public transportation.”
WATCHES THAT WATCH YOU WATCHING THEM
Samsung also unveiled the Galaxy Watch8 and Watch8 Classic, wearable devices that monitor your heart rate, sleep patterns, and silently judge your poor life choices with passive-aggressive notifications.
“Our new watches don’t just tell time,” explained Chief Innovation Officer Willy Sellya, “they tell you exactly how much of it you’re wasting scrolling through social media instead of calling your mother.” The watch can also reportedly detect when users lie about their daily step count and will automatically post the truth to all connected social media accounts.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY USELESS ANALYSIS
Tech analyst Dee Sceptical notes that 97.3% of people who purchase foldable phones spend approximately 83.4% of their time demonstrating the folding mechanism to increasingly disinterested friends and family members.
“The average consumer will show the folding action to approximately 34 people before the novelty wears off,” Sceptical explained while repeatedly folding a piece of paper in half. “By that point, they’ve already developed the early stages of carpal tunnel syndrome and are contemplating their financial decisions.”
COMPETITION RESPONDS WITH EQUAL STUPIDITY
Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly responded to Samsung’s announcement by laughing so hard he choked on his own spit, before immediately ordering his R&D team to develop a foldable iPhone that will cost twice as much and arrive three years later.
“We couldn’t be less concerned,” an Apple spokesperson stated while nervously shredding prototype sketches. “Our customers understand the value of paying premium prices for incremental changes to technology they already own.”
In conclusion, Samsung’s latest offerings confirm what we’ve all suspected: the future of technology is exactly like the present, just more expensive and with an additional hinge that will definitely not break after three months of normal use. Holy sh!t, what a time to be alive and in crippling tech debt.
