DESPERATE TECH GIANT UNVEILS “PERFECT” SERVER THAT STILL SOMEHOW MANAGES TO CRASH WHEN YOU ACTUALLY NEED IT
IBM’s New Power11 Platform Promises 99.9999% Uptime, Engineers Admit Remaining 0.0001% Reserved Exclusively For When Your Boss Is Watching
ACTUAL TECH NEWS THAT READS LIKE SATIRE
In a move that can only be described as “throwing spaghetti at the wall while praying to the ghost of Steve Jobs,” IBM has unveiled its new Power11 platform, a server system so allegedly reliable that executives claim it only goes down once every millennia or whenever someone important visits your data center.
The tech behemoth, desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where teenagers with TikTok accounts have more computing power than NASA did in the 1990s, promises an astonishing 99.9999% uptime. That’s approximately 31.5 seconds of downtime per year, conveniently scheduled for exactly when your company’s biggest client is touring the facility.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR ARTIFICIAL COMPETENCE?
The Power11 comes equipped with “integrated AI tools,” which sources confirm is corporate-speak for “we taught the computer to shrug and say ‘have you tried turning it off and on again?'” when faced with actual problems.
“This is revolutionary technology,” claimed Dr. Chip Overheating, IBM’s Chief Exaggeration Officer. “Our systems can detect ransomware attacks faster than ever before, giving hackers just enough time to steal all your data while our AI sends you helpful notifications about it.”
ENERGY EFFICIENCY THAT WILL BLOW YOUR F@#KING MIND, OR AT LEAST YOUR CIRCUIT BREAKERS
Perhaps most impressive is IBM’s claim that the Power11 platform is environmentally friendly, using approximately 0.0001% less electricity than simply setting a pile of money on fire.
“We’ve achieved unprecedented energy efficiency,” boasted Professor Watt Consumption, IBM’s Director of Greenwashing. “The Power11 only requires the electrical output of a small developing nation to run your company’s email server.”
INNOVATION OR JUST ADDING MORE BLINKING LIGHTS?
Industry analyst Penny Skeptical questioned whether the Power11 actually offers anything new. “From what I can tell, they’ve basically just added more fans and blinking lights to the Power10. But hey, the lights are now RGB, so that’s something, right?”
When asked for specific improvements, IBM executives pointed to the server’s new “modern enterprise capabilities,” which reportedly include a cup holder, Bluetooth connectivity for office Spotify playlists, and a small compartment where IT staff can store their tears.
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT SURE DOES
According to an entirely real and not-at-all fabricated survey conducted by IBM, 104% of businesses using Power11 reported increased productivity, decreased hair loss, and the sudden ability to understand what NFTs actually are.
“We’ve been using the Power11 for three weeks now,” said fictional customer Emma Possible, CIO of Definitely Real Corporation. “Not only has it improved our computing performance, but my marriage has improved and my kids finally respect me.”
As of press time, IBM stock had risen 0.2%, which executives celebrated as “the greatest comeback in business history” while quietly updating their LinkedIn profiles.
