PEDOS ADOPT AI FASTER THAN YOUR GRANDMA FIGURED OUT FACEBOOK; TECH BROS RESPOND “NOT OUR PROBLEM LOL”
In a shocking development that absolutely no one with half a functioning brain cell could have predicted, perverts worldwide have enthusiastically embraced artificial intelligence to create horrific child abuse content, marking perhaps the first time in history that predators adopted new technology before hipsters in Brooklyn coffee shops.
DIGITAL DEPRAVITY REACHES NEW F@#KING LOWS
The Internet Watch Foundation, those poor b@stards who have to look at the worst humanity has to offer every day, verified a soul-crushing 1,286 AI-generated abuse videos in just six months. Sources confirm these videos have “crossed the threshold” from “obviously fake” to “oh dear god that looks real,” prompting exactly zero emergency meetings at major tech companies.
“We’re absolutely stunned that giving everyone on earth access to powerful image generation technology resulted in horrible people doing horrible things,” said Captain Obvious, head of the Department of No Sh!t Sherlock. “Who could have possibly seen this coming except literally everyone?”
SILICON VALLEY’S RESPONSE: “INNOVATION COMES WITH TRADE-OFFS”
Tech executives, speaking from their fortified compounds where their own children have zero screen time and attend Waldorf schools, expressed their deep concerns by issuing template press releases and then immediately returning to counting their money.
“Look, we understand there are ‘challenges’ with our technology,” said Chad Disconnection, CEO of FutureNightmare Technologies. “But we’ve updated our terms of service to include the phrase ‘please don’t do bad things,’ so legally we’ve done everything possible.”
According to made-up statistics that feel alarmingly accurate, approximately 98.7% of tech companies’ “safety measures” consist entirely of hiring underpaid content moderators in developing countries who develop PTSD within three weeks on the job.
EXPERTS WONDER IF MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, WE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH
Dr. Hindsight B. Twentytwenty, professor of Obvious Technological Consequences at Reality University, offered her analysis: “It turns out when you create technology that can generate any image imaginable and release it without meaningful safeguards, bad sh!t happens immediately. I’m shocked, SHOCKED I tell you.”
The professor added, “Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, we should consider whether ‘move fast and break things’ is an appropriate philosophy when ‘things’ includes ‘society’ and ‘children’s safety’?”
REGULATORS RESPOND WITH STRONGLY WORDED LETTERS, PREDATORS TERRIFIED
Government officials worldwide have sprung into decisive action by forming committees to discuss potential frameworks for possible future conversations about preliminary guidelines that might someday lead to actual regulations, expected to be implemented approximately seven years after the damage is irreversible.
A spokesperson for the International Association of Too Little Too Late said, “We’re drafting a sternly worded letter expressing our deep concern, which we expect tech companies to immediately place in their circular filing system.”
In related news, 97% of tech billionaires continue insisting that regulation would “stifle innovation,” a phrase that translates roughly to “threaten my yacht collection.”
AT PRESS TIME: HUMANITY CONTINUES SPEEDRUNNING ITS OWN DESTRUCTION
As this article was being written, seventeen new AI startups received $400 million in venture capital funding to create even more powerful image generation tools with “ethics boards” consisting entirely of the founder’s college roommates.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering if maybe, just maybe, giving humanity’s worst impulses algorithmic superpowers wasn’t the technological utopia we were promised. But hey, at least we can generate pretty pictures of cats in space helmets, so clearly it’s all worth it.
