MIT’S NEW TRANSLATION ROBOTS WILL FINALLY TELL DOCTORS WHAT “MY ASS HURTS” MEANS IN 37 LANGUAGES

In a groundbreaking fusion of technology and complete f@#king desperation, MIT scientists are creating AI systems to translate what patients actually mean when they say “it hurts like hell” to doctors who stopped listening sometime during their second year of medical school.

PAIN SCALE FINALLY REPLACED WITH SOMETHING USEFUL

The revolutionary Language/AI Incubator aims to replace those stupid smiley face pain charts with something that actually works across cultures, like animated GIFs of people stepping on Legos or getting hit in the nuts.

“Pain can only be communicated through metaphor,” said Professor Per Urlaub, who apparently needed a PhD to figure out that different cultures describe agony differently. “But metaphors don’t always match linguistically and culturally.”

No sh!t, Professor Obvious.

According to MIT’s research, when an American says “feels like I’m being stabbed,” a British patient calls it “rather uncomfortable,” and a Russian patient just silently crushes a vodka glass in their bare hand while maintaining eye contact.

DOCTORS SHOCKED TO LEARN PATIENTS ARE ACTUAL HUMANS

The program’s co-leader, Dr. Leo Celi, stunned his colleagues by suggesting “science has to have a heart,” a statement that caused 73% of medical researchers to ask, “Is that the thing that pumps the blood or the thing that makes you care about poor people?”

“We’re seeing poor outcomes despite massive investments because our knowledge system is broken,” Celi explained, while frantically trying to stop his colleagues from measuring success by counting publications rather than, you know, actually helping sick people.

SILICON THERAPISTS PROMISE NOT TO JUDGE YOUR WEIRD RASHES

MIT’s Dr. Rodrigo Gameiro, apparently the only doctor who’s noticed patients are terrified to speak honestly to physicians, believes AI could help bridge communication gaps.

“When we build AI systems that interact with human language, we’re not just teaching machines how to process words,” Gameiro stated, “we’re teaching them to navigate the complex web of bullsh!t, fear, and cultural baggage that prevents patients from admitting they’ve been using WebMD to diagnose themselves for three weeks.”

BREAKING: SCIENTISTS DISCOVER ASKING COMMUNITIES WHAT THEY NEED

In what’s being hailed as the most revolutionary medical breakthrough since washing hands, the research team suggests actually talking to communities about their healthcare needs instead of imposing solutions from ivory towers.

“Community advocates have a voice and should be included in these conversations,” said Celi, shocking approximately 99.7% of the medical establishment who previously assumed poor people just needed more pamphlets.

The team plans to evaluate success by measuring actual patient outcomes rather than “how many fancy papers we published” or “how many pharmaceutical companies invited us to conferences in Hawaii.”

EPISTEMIC HUMILITY: THE FANCY TERM FOR “I DON’T KNOW SH!T”

The researchers embrace a concept called “Epistemic Humility,” which Professor Urlaub defines as “investigating carefully while simultaneously acknowledging what we don’t know.”

Dr. Hugh Dontno, an expert in medical education who wasn’t consulted for this project because he doesn’t exist, explains: “Epistemic Humility is just a fancy way of saying ‘I’m a doctor but I have no f@#king clue what’s happening sometimes, and that’s actually okay to admit.'”

A survey of medical professionals found that 97% would rather perform emergency surgery with a spork than admit uncertainty to a patient.

“TECHNOLOGY WITHOUT PURPOSE IS JUST EXCLUSION AT SCALE”

Gameiro delivered this mic-drop statement while his colleagues nodded thoughtfully, pretending they understood what the hell he was talking about.

Meanwhile, patients everywhere are cautiously optimistic that machines might finally translate their symptoms accurately, though 86% still plan to lie about how much they drink when filling out medical forms.

In conclusion, MIT hopes their silicon-based translation rectangles will revolutionize healthcare communication, though critics note the real breakthrough would be getting insurance to actually cover whatever treatment the AI recommends. Good f@#king luck with that one, MIT.