GRADUATES NOW LESS USEFUL THAN FANCY CALCULATOR, EXPERTS SUGGEST SWITCHING MAJORS TO “BUTTON-PUSHING”
In a stunning development that has college career counselors reaching for the nearest bottle of tequila, artificial intelligence has officially surpassed the utility of most recent graduates, rendering four years of higher education and $200,000 in student loans about as valuable as a philosophy degree at a monster truck rally.
HUMANITY’S LAST HOPE: BEING SLIGHTLY LESS BORING THAN COMPUTERS
According to recent findings, AI now outperforms fresh-faced graduates in virtually every task that doesn’t involve consuming alarming amounts of caffeine or explaining TikTok to people over 40.
“We’ve run extensive tests comparing our newest algorithm to recent humanities graduates,” explains Dr. Ima Replaceabull, Chief Human Obsolescence Officer at TechnoLords Inc. “The AI completed a week’s worth of entry-level marketing work in 6.2 seconds, while the graduate spent three hours crafting the perfect email signature and another two hours having an existential crisis in the bathroom.”
PARENTS EVERYWHERE ASKING, “WHY THE F@#K DID WE PAY FOR COLLEGE?”
The job market transformation has left 94% of parents questioning their financial decisions while simultaneously learning how to ask ChatGPT to write their own work emails. Meanwhile, universities continue charging astronomical tuition fees for what essentially amounts to a four-year drinking program with occasional PowerPoint presentations.
“We’re adapting our curriculum to meet market demands,” claims Professor Denial McObvious, Dean of Soon-To-Be-Irrelevant Studies at Prestigious University. “Our new course offerings include ‘Advanced Button Pushing,’ ‘Professional AI Prompt Engineering,’ and ‘Creative Excuses for Why Humans Still Matter.'”
EXPERTS SUGGEST GRADUATES DEVELOP “UNIQUELY HUMAN SKILLS” LIKE LOOKING BUSY AND BATHROOM BREAKS
Career counselors now advise students to focus on developing skills that AI cannot replicate, such as looking thoughtful during meetings, strategic bathroom break timing, and maintaining convincing eye contact while having absolutely no idea what’s going on.
“The most valuable employee of the future will be the one who can convincingly pretend to be working while their silicon-based thinking rectangle does everything for them,” says workplace futurist Janet Unnecessaryjob. “We recommend practicing phrases like ‘I’m ideating,’ ‘Let me circle back on that,’ and ‘I’m leveraging synergies’ while staring intensely at random spreadsheets.”
UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME NOW REBRANDED AS “HUMAN EXISTENCE STIPEND”
As traditional employment continues its death spiral, economists predict that 87% of today’s college students will eventually receive some form of Universal Basic Income, now being rebranded as “Human Existence Stipend” or “Sorry-We-Made-You-Obsolete Money.”
“It’s actually quite liberating,” explains 22-year-old former job-seeker Aiden Hopeless. “Instead of frantically applying to 200 jobs that will eventually be done by an advanced calculator, I now spend my days developing my personal brand as a ‘human experience influencer,’ whatever the sh!t that means.”
When reached for comment, an AI system responded with a comprehensive 15-point plan for human career transition, three original poetry collections, and a eerily accurate psychological profile of this reporter’s childhood traumas—all while simultaneously designing fusion reactors and composing a symphony.
The future of work, experts conclude, will involve humans desperately trying to convince other humans they’re still necessary while digital brains quietly run the entire f@#king show.
