DESPERATE GPU HOARDERS “COREWEAVE” ACQUIRE “CORE SCIENTIFIC” IN $9B DEAL NOBODY ASKED FOR; SILICON VALLEY RUNS OUT OF ORIGINAL COMPANY NAMES
In what experts are calling “the least creative corporate merger since Time Warner met AOL in a back alley,” CoreWeave has announced its $9 billion acquisition of Core Scientific, creating what will inevitably be called “Core-Core” by lazy journalists and confused investors worldwide.
NAMING DEPARTMENT APPARENTLY ON PERMANENT VACATION
The merger combines two companies with such similar names that even their own employees reportedly need name tags to figure out which payroll system to complain about. Industry analysts suggest the acquisition was primarily motivated by CoreWeave executives being tired of receiving Core Scientific’s mail.
“This is clearly a strategic move to eliminate the confusion caused by having two tech companies whose names sound like rejected protein powder brands,” explained Dr. Merger Madness, professor of Obvious Corporate Bullsh!t at the University of No-One-Cares. “Next they’ll acquire Apple Core and Core Values to complete their ‘Core Monopoly’ strategy.”
THE AI INFRASTRUCTURE ARMS RACE NOBODY UNDERSTOOD CONTINUES
The deal, valued at a completely reasonable and not-at-all-inflated $9 billion, will allegedly enhance CoreWeave’s ability to “unleash AI’s full potential,” which apparently means building more warehouses full of graphics cards that could otherwise be used by gamers who just want to play Fortnite without their computer sounding like a jet engine.
“This merger creates unprecedented synergy in our quest to consume every available watt of electricity on the eastern seaboard,” said CoreWeave CEO Branden Totally-Made-Up. “By combining our power-hungry data centers, we’re one step closer to our goal of making Texas experience rolling blackouts year-round.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING ANYMORE
Financial analyst Janet Skeptical points out that 97.3% of people involved in the deal couldn’t explain what either company actually does if you held a gun to their head. “It’s all ‘AI infrastructure’ this and ‘computational pipeline’ that. Just say you’re building fancy calculators that occasionally hallucinate Shakespeare, for f@ck’s sake.”
Industry insiders reveal the combined company will now control approximately 94% of all PowerPoint presentations containing the phrases “leverage AI potential,” “disruptive innovation,” and “digital transformation journey.”
THE REAL WINNERS: ELECTRICITY COMPANIES AND NAMING CONSULTANTS
Following the announcement, shares in electric utilities skyrocketed as investors calculated how many nuclear plants would be needed to power CoreWeave-Core Scientific’s expanding empire of heat-generating number crunchers.
Meanwhile, branding consultants are reportedly fighting over the estimated $45 million contract to decide whether the merged company should be called “CoreWeave Scientific,” “CoreScientific Weave,” or just “Core2: Electric Boogaloo.”
As part of the deal, CoreWeave has promised to maintain Core Scientific’s commitment to environmental sustainability by putting exactly one solar panel on each of their football-field-sized data centers and calling it “green computing.”
“We expect to reduce our carbon footprint by at least 0.0001% through aggressive use of the color green in all our marketing materials,” said Chief Sustainability Officer Greta Would-Be-Disappointed.
At press time, employees of both companies were still trying to figure out which Core they worked for, while the rest of Silicon Valley scrambled to trademark “CoreSomething” before it’s too late.
