BROKE-ASS ROBOT TRANSLATOR THREATENS TO DESTROY LANGUAGE, CULTURE, AND PROBABLY HUMANITY FOR JUST $100
In what industry experts are calling “the linguistic equivalent of letting a toddler perform brain surgery,” UK-based GlobeScribe has launched an AI translation service that promises to butcher your precious novel into multiple languages for just $100 per massacre.
LOCAL TRANSLATORS CONSIDER CAREER CHANGE TO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE
Professional translators worldwide collectively spat out their coffee Tuesday morning after learning their decades of linguistic expertise, cultural knowledge, and literary sensitivity can now be replaced by what amounts to a glorified Google Translate with delusions of grandeur.
“This is f@#king brilliant,” said absolutely no translator ever. “I’ve spent 30 years mastering the nuances of Japanese literature only to be replaced by something that probably thinks ‘Murakami’ is a type of burrito.”
FOUNDERS REASSURE CONCERNED PARTIES THAT THEY KNOW JACK SH!T ABOUT TRANSLATION
GlobeScribe founders Fred Freeman and Betsy Reavley, whose previous claim to fame was a crime and thriller publishing house, have bravely ventured into a field they apparently know nothing about.
“There will always be a place for expert human translation,” the founders claimed, while simultaneously creating a service explicitly designed to eliminate that place. “But GlobeScribe.ai opens the door to new opportunities, like completely destroying the subtle cultural context and linguistic wordplay that makes literature actually good.”
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS WEIGH IN ON LINGUISTIC NUANCE
Dr. Obvi Ouslie, Professor of Computational Linguistics at Make-Believe University, offered his expert analysis: “Languages aren’t just words that correspond one-to-one. They’re complex systems embedded with cultural references, historical contexts, and idiomatic expressions. But sure, let’s let the same technology that thinks ‘Netflix and chill’ means watching TV while maintaining a comfortable temperature take a crack at Dostoevsky.”
FINANCIAL EXPERTS IMPRESSED BY AUDACITY
“At $100 per book per language, they’re essentially charging pennies to destroy centuries of literary tradition,” noted financial analyst Penny Pincher. “It’s the bargain of the century if your goal is to make sure your heartfelt romance novel accidentally becomes hardcore pornography in German.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE OF LITERATURE
According to a completely fabricated study we just made up, 87% of books translated by AI will contain at least one passage where the protagonist accidentally propositions their grandmother or declares war on a neighboring country due to a simple idiom misunderstanding.
Meanwhile, 94% of authors using the service will remain blissfully unaware that their masterpiece now reads like it was written by a concussed baboon in at least seven languages.
AT PRESS TIME
GlobeScribe is reportedly already working on their next innovation: an AI service that will read books for you and tell you what you would have thought about them if you’d bothered to read them yourself, eliminating the last remaining purpose of literature entirely.
