SENATOR’S VOICE CLONED BY AI SCAMMER, ADMINISTRATION BLAMES CONSPIRACY OF ADVANCED REFRIGERATORS
In what can only be described as the political equivalent of your grandma sending Bitcoin to a “Nigerian prince,” several high-ranking officials fell victim to an AI scammer pretending to be Secretary of State Marco Rubio, proving once and for all that our government’s cybersecurity is roughly equivalent to a “password123” Post-it note stuck to a nuclear launch button.
OFFICIALS LITERALLY COULDN’T TELL THEIR BOSS FROM A COMPUTER PROGRAM
The fraudster reportedly contacted five senior officials including three foreign ministers, a US governor, and a member of Congress, none of whom apparently thought it strange when “Marco Rubio” asked them to “kindly do the needful” and wire $5,000 to help him get home from a conference in Lagos.
“I was completely convinced it was Secretary Rubio,” admitted Governor Bill Gullible of Pennsylvania. “The voice sounded exactly like him, especially when it asked me for my mother’s maiden name and the name of my first pet.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!T SHOW
Professor Hugh Jass from the Institute of Obviously Foreseeable Technology Disasters explained, “What we’re seeing is merely the tip of the f@#king iceberg. Tomorrow you could get a call from ‘President Trump’ asking you to meet him at a secluded warehouse with all your valuables and zero witnesses.”
The State Department has implemented an innovative new security protocol requiring officials to verify their identity by recalling embarrassing high school memories that only the real person would know.
“We’re calling it the ‘Remember That Time You Sh!t Your Pants During Debate Club’ authentication system,” explained Cybersecurity Czar Dr. Totally Real Person, who definitely exists and is not made up for this article.
SECURITY MEASURES THAT COULDN’T STOP A TODDLER WITH AN IPAD
According to an internal memo leaked to this publication, the State Department’s current defense against AI impersonation consists of a Magic 8-Ball, a poster that says “Think Before You Click,” and a retired mall cop named Steve who checks if people “look trustworthy” before they’re given access to nuclear launch codes.
When questioned about the security breach, White House Press Secretary Jane Spinmeister insisted, “This administration takes digital security very seriously, which is why we’ve invested heavily in learning how to right-click and select ‘mark as spam.'”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH USELESS SOLUTION
Tech billionaire and professional hair-plugs model Evan Hubris announced his company would solve the problem with a new $9,999 device that detects AI scammers by “sensing their digital aura,” which is just a carbon monoxide detector painted gold.
A spokesperson for Rubio said the real secretary has now begun randomly inserting phrases like “hippity hoppity get off my property” and “my nipples taste like sunshine” into conversations to throw off potential AI impersonators, a strategy experts describe as “indistinguishable from actual Republican policy positions.”
In response to the growing threat, 97% of government officials have reportedly switched to the most secure form of communication: writing messages on bathroom walls and hoping the right person sees them.
At press time, three more officials had reportedly been scammed by an AI version of Mike Pence asking for iTunes gift cards to fund his “secret second family,” which honestly would be the most interesting thing about him.
