DESPERATE UNIVERSITY LAUNCHES BISWAS FELLOWSHIP TO FIND ANYONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY MAKE HEALTHCARE SUCK LESS

MIT desperately throwing money at postdocs in hopes one of them might accidentally fix the f@#king disaster that is American healthcare

LOCAL GENIUSES THROW CASH AT PROBLEM, EXPECT DIFFERENT RESULT

In what experts are calling “the academic equivalent of hiring a toddler to perform brain surgery,” MIT has announced a new postdoctoral fellowship program aimed at tricking smart young people into believing they can fix healthcare before they become jaded, burned-out husks like the rest of us.

The Biswas Postdoctoral Fellowship Program, funded by a measly $12 million donation that wouldn’t cover three days of insulin for America, will support researchers who still naively believe that technology can solve problems created entirely by greed and stupidity.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: THE SOLUTION TO PROBLEMS IT HASN’T CREATED YET

MIT President Sally Kornbluth, speaking from her ivory tower made of actual ivory, explained, “We’re in the talent business, which is corporate-speak for ‘we need fresh meat to feed our research machine.’ These postdocs will explore pressing issues in human health while we exploit their labor and take credit for their discoveries.”

Dr. Hugh Mungus-Ego, Chief of Stating The Obvious at the Institute for Duh, noted, “This fellowship is revolutionary because it uses the word ‘revolutionary’ in its press release. Statistically speaking, 97.3% of academic initiatives that use that word change absolutely f@#king nothing.”

THE INTERDISCIPLINARY APPROACH: BECAUSE ONE FIELD OF STUDY ISN’T FAILING HARD ENOUGH

“Health care is a team sport,” said Professor Angela Koehler, apparently unaware that American healthcare is actually more like Squid Game but with insurance paperwork.

The fellowship aims to be “interdisciplinary,” combining fields like economics, business, and humanities with medicine, because if there’s one thing that will fix cancer, it’s definitely a poet with a spreadsheet.

FOUR WHOLE YEARS TO SOLVE HEALTHCARE

The Biswas Family Foundation, created by some rich guy who went to MIT, is generously giving postdocs four years to solve problems that have plagued humanity since the dawn of civilization. Sources close to the foundation say they’re “pretty sure” these kids can crack healthcare in that time, “or at least come up with a cool app.”

“We’re looking for bilingual researchers,” Koehler added, meaning people who speak both English and Bullsh!t.

EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS

Professor Ima Skeptic from the Department of Reality Checks estimates the chance of these fellowships producing meaningful change at “somewhere between zero and go f@#k yourself.”

“AI will definitely fix healthcare,” said Dr. Algorithm Lovegood, who has never actually used a hospital’s electronic records system. “Just like how it fixed Twitter and made everyone on the internet more reasonable.”

According to the program guidelines, successful applicants must demonstrate “a complete detachment from reality” and “the ability to write grant proposals containing the words ‘paradigm shift’ with a straight face.”

At press time, MIT was already planning its next big initiative: a fellowship to study why all their previous fellowships haven’t fixed anything yet.