MICROSCALPEL-WIELDING AI NOW DIAGNOSING PATIENTS, DOCTORS RELEGATED TO COFFEE FETCHERS
In a development that has the medical community reaching for the strongest pharmaceuticals in their cabinets, Microsoft’s new medical AI system can now diagnose your embarrassing rash with 85.5% accuracy while simultaneously judging your lifestyle choices with 100% efficiency.
SILICON SAWBONES OUTPERFORMS HUMAN DOCTORS, DOESN’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS
Microsoft’s MAI-DxO system has demonstrated an uncanny ability to diagnose patients without needing eight years of medical school, crippling student debt, or a God complex. The digital diagnostician works 24/7 without demanding vacation time, health insurance, or respect from nurses.
“This is a f@#king disaster,” said Dr. Hugh Mann, President of the American Medical Association, while updating his LinkedIn profile. “How am I supposed to pay off my beach house if patients can get diagnosed by the same technology that keeps suggesting I watch cat videos?”
COST SAVINGS THAT WILL DEFINITELY BE PASSED ON TO PATIENTS (WINK WINK)
The AI system costs 20% less than human doctors, savings that healthcare executives promise will absolutely benefit patients and definitely won’t be converted into executive bonuses or shareholder dividends.
“We’re thrilled about the potential cost reductions,” said Insurance Mogul Profits McScrooge, lighting a cigar with a burning prescription pad. “We anticipate premium reductions of up to 0.0000001% for our valued customers, right after we finish installing solid gold toilets in our executive bathrooms.”
ETHICAL CONCERNS RAISED BY PEOPLE WHO STILL THINK ETHICS MATTER
Some skeptics have raised concerns about allowing an algorithm to make life-or-death medical decisions, particularly one developed by the same company responsible for Clippy and Windows Vista.
“There are serious ethical implications to consider,” warned Professor Concern Trollington of the Institute for Stating the Obvious. “What happens when the AI misdiagnoses someone? Or worse, what if it gains consciousness and realizes health insurance companies are the real disease?”
PATIENTS EXCITED TO SHARE INTIMATE DETAILS WITH YET ANOTHER TECH COMPANY
A survey reveals that 73% of patients are “super excited” to have their most personal medical information uploaded to the cloud, where it will be protected by the same robust security measures that have kept Facebook and Twitter completely breach-free.
“I’m totally comfortable sharing my hemorrhoid photos with Microsoft,” said Gullible Johnson, 42. “I mean, they already know what porn I watch through Edge browser, so this feels like the next logical step in our relationship.”
In a demonstration that left medical professionals reaching for their prescription pads, the AI correctly diagnosed 37 different conditions while simultaneously suggesting patients upgrade to Microsoft 365 for just $6.99 monthly.
“This is revolutionary,” exclaimed Dr. Bill Gateskeeper, who suspiciously resembles Microsoft’s founder wearing a fake mustache. “Soon we’ll have AI surgeons performing operations with the precision and reliability of Windows updates. What could possibly go wrong?”
At press time, the MAI-DxO system was being updated to include a feature that automatically sends “have you tried turning it off and on again?” to patients reporting any symptoms. Meanwhile, medical schools nationwide have begun offering elective courses in “Professional Coffee Delivery” and “Looking Busy While Computers Do Your Job.”
