GRADUATES DISCOVER DEGREES NOW LESS VALUABLE THAN CELEBRITY BATHWATER AS AI STEALS ALL ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS

By Chip Harddrive, AI Antics Chief Economic Catastrophe Correspondent

University students nationwide are discovering that their expensive degrees have become about as useful as a chocolate teapot after spending three years and £50,000 preparing for jobs that have been stolen by fancy calculators with attitude problems.

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, SUCKERS

Connor Myers, a student at the University of Exeter who probably regrets learning to read right about now, is among thousands realizing they’ve essentially paid for a three-year party with a side of unmarketable skills. In 2022, young people like Myers packed up their parents’ cars with IKEA furniture and naive optimism, blissfully unaware that silicon-based thinking rectangles were about to make their career aspirations as realistic as becoming a professional unicorn trainer.

“I remember driving to university thinking I was investing in my future,” said Myers, who requested we not mention which utterly f@#king pointless degree he’s completing. “Now I’m considering selling organs on the black market just to pay off my student loans.”

THE GREAT GRADUATE GHOSTING

Major firms that once hungrily devoured fresh graduates like wolves at an all-you-can-eat sheep buffet are now slamming their doors shut. Deloitte has slashed graduate recruitment by 18%, while EY cut theirs by 11%, apparently deciding that human beings with their inconvenient “need for sleep” and “desire for compensation” are less appealing than digital employees who never ask for bathroom breaks.

According to job search site Adzuna, entry-level opportunities in finance have plummeted by a soul-crushing 50.8%, while IT services jobs have nosedived by 54.8%. Experts project that by 2027, the only entry-level positions left will be “AI Apology Specialist” and “Manual Labor That Robots Still Can’t Figure Out.”

EXPERTS WONDER WHY ANYONE BOTHERS ANYMORE

“Universities are essentially selling tickets to a concert that was canceled three years ago,” explains Professor Ivana Refund, Chair of Outdated Career Planning at the Institute for Obvious Economic Trends. “Students are spending their prime drinking years preparing for jobs that are being eliminated faster than dignity at a reality TV audition.”

Dr. Warren Buffering, author of “Your Degree Is Worth Less Than The Paper It’s Printed On,” offers grim advice: “The best career strategy for today’s graduates is to have been born rich or develop a personality quirk so interesting that people will pay to watch you on TikTok.”

ALTERNATIVE CAREER PATHS FOR THE DIGITALLY DISPLACED

Universities are scrambling to offer new courses like “Professional Nostalgia Consultant” and “Human Authenticity Verifier” to prepare students for the twelve jobs that might still exist after graduation. Meanwhile, career services offices now primarily focus on teaching students how to smile convincingly while asking “Would you like fries with that?”

A recent survey found that 87% of current university students are considering dropping out to become full-time social media influencers, with the remaining 13% already having done so during our survey.

CORPORATIONS DEFEND THEIR BETRAYAL

Corporate spokesperson Dana Bottomline from MegaCorp Industries defended the graduate purge: “Look, it’s simple economics. Why hire a human who needs health insurance, mental health days, and work-life balance when we can just get a digital assistant that only occasionally hallucinates false information and never complains about our toxic workplace culture?”

When asked what today’s students should do instead of university, Bottomline suggested “developing skills that digital entities can’t replicate, like… um… actually, I’ll get back to you on that.”

At press time, thousands of graduates were reportedly forming communes in remote forests where they plan to live off-grid, free from both crushing student debt and the algorithm Americans who stole their futures. Unfortunately, AI forest management systems have already filed eviction notices.