JUSTICE SYSTEM REVEALS SHOCKING NEW APPROACH TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: “HAVE YOU TRIED LAUGHING IT OFF?”

In a groundbreaking development that has legal experts everywhere clutching their pearls, the American justice system has officially categorized domestic violence cases somewhere between “parking violations” and “that weird smell in the office refrigerator” on its priority list.

ABUSERS CELEBRATE NEW LEGAL LOOPHOLE: JUST BE FAMOUS

Following the Diddy trial spectacle, celebrities across the nation are reportedly sighing in relief as the American legal system continues its proud tradition of treating violence against women with all the seriousness of a whoopee cushion at a funeral.

“This is f@#king revolutionary,” said one anonymous A-lister, while popping champagne. “Apparently if you’re rich enough, you can just rebrand domestic abuse as ‘passionate relationship management’ and everyone just nods along!”

TRAUMA EXPERTS INTRODUCE NEW CLASSIFICATION SYSTEM

Dr. Obvious Blindspot, head researcher at the Institute for Selective Justice, unveiled a revolutionary new system for classifying victim trauma: “We’ve determined that women’s pain exists on a sliding scale from ‘probably exaggerating’ to ‘but what was she wearing though?’ with a special category called ‘irrelevant if the perpetrator makes good music.'”

COURTS IMPLEMENT NEW “VIBES-BASED” JUDGEMENT SYSTEM

The American Bar Association confirmed today that legal proceedings involving violence against women will now be decided primarily on whether the accused “seems like a chill dude” or “gives off bad energy.”

“We find this approach 87.3% more efficient,” explained Judge Idon Tgiveadamn. “Plus, it saves us having to deal with all that messy evidence and testimony stuff.”

PUBLIC OPINION REVEALS STARTLING STATISTICS

A recent poll conducted by the Society for Missing the Damn Point found that 68% of Americans believe domestic violence is “very bad” but 92% would “need to hear both sides” before forming an opinion when a celebrity is involved.

Professor Missy D. Point, who conducted the research, noted: “What’s particularly interesting is that 99% of respondents agreed with the statement ‘violence against women is unacceptable’ but when shown specific cases involving famous men, suddenly developed mysterious conditions like ‘context blindness’ and ‘selective amnesia.'”

NATION INTRODUCES INNOVATIVE NEW SYSTEM FOR ADDRESSING VIOLENCE

In related news, the Department of Justice has unveiled its groundbreaking new approach to handling domestic violence cases: pretending they don’t exist until there’s a viral video, then expressing shock for approximately 48 hours before returning to complete apathy.

“We’ve found this to be incredibly cost-effective,” explained bureaucrat Stan D. Bystander. “Plus, it aligns perfectly with our core values of ‘thoughts and prayers’ followed by absolutely jack sh!t.”

CONCLUSION: EXPERTS PREDICT BRIGHT FUTURE FOR ABUSERS

As the nation continues to treat violence against women like an optional side quest in the video game of justice, experts predict a bullish market for men who enjoy hurting women.

“Look, at this point, we’re basically handing out ‘One Free Abuse’ punch cards,” sighed Dr. Seesit Everyday, a domestic violence researcher. “Collect ten stamps and we’ll throw in a redemption voucher for ‘public forgiveness regardless of your actions’! What a time to be alive and terrible!”

When reached for comment, the justice system simply shrugged and asked if we’d seen the new superhero movie.