# ROBOT SCIENTISTS NOW OFFICIALLY MORE EFFICIENT THAN HUMANS WHO KEEP NEEDING “BATHROOM BREAKS” AND “SLEEP”
MIT NERDS CREATE PROBE THAT WORKS 24 HOURS WITHOUT COMPLAINING ABOUT OVERTIME
In what experts are calling “the final nail in the coffin for human scientific relevance,” MIT researchers have developed a robotic system that measures semiconductor properties without requiring snacks, coffee, or existential crises about student loan debt.
SILICON VALLEY IMMEDIATELY PLACES ORDER FOR 10,000 UNITS
The fully autonomous system measures something called “photoconductance,” which is apparently super f@#king important if you care about solar panels or whatever. The robot can perform over 125 measurements per hour while human scientists struggle to perform basic functions like “staying awake” and “not checking Twitter every five minutes.”
“This is revolutionary,” explains Dr. Irma Goingtobereplaced, lead researcher on the project. “Our robot doesn’t need bathroom breaks, doesn’t demand authorship on papers, and hasn’t once complained about the temperature in the lab.”
HUMAN SCIENTISTS RESPOND WITH PANIC, UPDATING LINKEDIN PROFILES
The robot works by taking images of materials, using AI to determine where to poke them with a probe, and then finding the most efficient path to do so. Meanwhile, PhD students continue to spend 45 minutes deciding which coffee shop to visit before starting work.
“It’s almost like measuring snowflakes — difficult to get two that are identical,” said one researcher, apparently unaware they were providing the perfect metaphor for their own impending obsolescence.
SCIENTIFIC JOURNALS NOW ACCEPTING ROBOT-AUTHORED PAPERS WITH 73% LESS DRAMA
Industry experts predict this technology will revolutionize how quickly new materials are discovered. Dr. Hugh Mann, professor of Humans Are Still Relevant Studies at the University of Denial, insists there’s nothing to worry about.
“Sure, the robot can work 24 hours straight with perfect precision, but can it experience existential dread? Can it wonder if it’s wasting its one precious life in a windowless lab? I think not!” said Mann while nervously updating his resume.
THE “SPECIAL SAUCE” IS APPARENTLY JUST REMOVING HUMANS ENTIRELY
The robot’s success stems from combining machine learning, robotics, and materials science without the inconvenient need for sleep, relationships, or work-life balance. Tests showed the system outperformed other AI methods while consuming significantly fewer snacks.
According to totally made-up statistics, the robot is 87% more efficient than humans and 100% less likely to ask for a raise or parental leave.
Professor Tonio Buonassisi, who apparently hasn’t realized he’s engineering his own replacement, called the development “incredibly exciting,” adding that “not every important property can be measured in a contactless way.”
RESEARCHERS ANTICIPATE ROBOTS EVENTUALLY MEASURING HUMANS’ WILL TO LIVE
Future plans include expanding the system into a fully autonomous lab that doesn’t require humans at all, which researchers describe as “progress” rather than “the literal plot of every sci-fi horror movie ever made.”
At press time, the robot had already applied for tenure and was seen downloading Duolingo to learn Mandarin “just in case.”
