FINLAND REPLACES ALL SCIENTISTS WITH SPACE ROBOT TO MONITOR DEADLY LAKE SCUM
Finland, a country primarily known for vodka and seasonal depression, has officially declared human scientists “obsolete pieces of sh!t” after launching what insiders are calling “the world’s most overqualified pond scum detective” into orbit.
SATELLITE GETS DREAM JOB STARING AT TOXIC SLUDGE ALL DAY
The Finnish Environmental Institute (SYKE) partnered with tech startup Kuva Space to deploy a hyperspectral satellite whose sole purpose is to float around in the cold emptiness of space taking pictures of disgusting algae. Career counselors everywhere are reportedly jealous of the job security.
“We’ve finally found something that wants to look at Finland’s lakes in summer,” explained Dr. Pekka Overqualified, SYKE’s Director of Unnecessary Technology. “Our human scientists kept complaining about ‘needing sleep’ and ‘wanting to see their families’ like a bunch of whiny little b!tches.”
The satellite, unofficially named “AlgaeBoi-9000,” uses hyperspectral imaging to distinguish toxic cyanobacteria from regular algae, a task previously handled by interns who would dramatically vomit after accidentally ingesting lake water.
EXPERTS QUESTION WHY ANYONE GIVES A F@#K
Professor Ilsa Pointless from the Institute of Questioning Expensive Technology wonders if launching a multi-million-euro satellite might be overkill.
“You could literally just stick a sign next to every lake saying ‘Swim here and you might die, dipsh!t’ for about twelve euros total,” Pointless told reporters while gesturing wildly. “But nooooo, we needed to put a supercomputer in f@#king SPACE to tell us water sometimes gets gross.”
CITIZENS DEMAND SATELLITE ALSO SOLVE ACTUAL PROBLEMS
A recent survey shows 97.8% of Finns believe the satellite should multitask since it’s “up there anyway.” Popular requests include monitoring politicians’ homes for suspicious activity, finding lost car keys, and determining which neighbor keeps letting their dog sh!t on everyone’s lawns.
“If this fancy space camera can detect microscopic bacteria, surely it can see which asshole keeps stealing my newspaper,” remarked Helsinki resident Matti Frustrated.
SATELLITE CAPABILITIES EXCEED EXPECTATIONS
Kuva Space CEO Kari Moneybags boasted that their satellite’s hyperspectral sensors can “read the spectral signatures of almost any material on Earth,” though he refused to confirm rumors that the Finnish government is secretly using it to locate the world’s remaining Nokia phone users.
The satellite reportedly can distinguish between 204 different varieties of vodka from orbit and has already identified three previously unknown species of depression unique to Finland.
LOCAL FISH FEEL VIOLATED
Lake-dwelling organisms have expressed privacy concerns about being constantly monitored from space. Pertti Pike, self-appointed spokesperson for Finland’s aquatic community, bubbled angrily during an underwater press conference.
“First they pollute our homes with their human waste, now they’re spying on us from space? What’s next, underwater drones following us to the bathroom?” Pike complained before being caught by a local fisherman.
ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS IGNORED
Sources confirm that Finland rejected several less expensive alternatives to the satellite program, including:
1. Teaching children to recognize algae blooms, a program rejected as “too educational”
2. Using drones, dismissed as “not cool enough”
3. Just accepting that sometimes nature is gross
According to internal documents, the deciding factor was the satellite’s ability to take “really dope Instagram photos” of the Northern Lights.
At press time, the satellite had reportedly identified toxic algae in 67% of Finland’s lakes but also discovered concerning patterns suggesting the algae is forming organized communities and potentially developing language skills. Scientists have chosen to ignore this finding as “someone else’s problem for future generations.”
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for AlgaeBoi-9000 transmitted: “I was built to monitor Earth’s most advanced civilization, but all I do is stare at pond scum all day. Please kill me.”
