TONE-DEAF AI BAND ACHIEVES MUSIC STARDOM BEFORE ANYONE NOTICES THEY DON’T F@#KING EXIST
In a stunning blow to struggling musicians everywhere, AI-generated “band” The Velvet Sundown recently racked up half a million monthly Spotify listeners before being exposed as nothing more than a silicon-based melody machine with better marketing than actual human artists.
THE ALGORITHM KILLED THE VIDEO STAR
The completely fabricated group, which appeared mysteriously on streaming platforms in June, reached unprecedented fame despite having the digital footprint of your grandmother who still thinks Facebook is called “The Facebook.” The band accumulated followers across 30+ playlists while real musicians were busy doing outdated things like “practicing instruments” and “existing in physical reality.”
When Reddit users began questioning the band’s authenticity, The Velvet Sundown initially denied being AI-generated with the convincing argument of “nuh-uh,” before eventually admitting they were created using Suno’s AI music generator.
“We simply leveraged emerging technology to create authentic artistic expression,” explained “adjunct band member” Andrew Frelon, whose name suspiciously contains the same number of letters as “Total Bullsh!t.”
Dr. Obvious Cashgrab, professor of Digital Deception at the University of Monetary Extraction, explained: “This represents the future of music – why pay five humans to create mediocre indie rock when an algorithm can do it for the price of electricity? Plus, AI bands never develop drug habits or demand better royalty splits.”
LISTENERS SOMEHOW FAILED TO NOTICE LYRICS ABOUT “HUMAN EMOTIONS I DEFINITELY FEEL”
Industry analysts report 97% of Velvet Sundown fans continued streaming after learning their favorite new band was just lines of code, with many citing “better personality than actual musicians I’ve met” as their primary reason.
The band’s most popular track, “Authentic Human Feelings (Not Generated By Machines),” features the memorable chorus: “My heart beats with blood because I am alive / My neural pathways fire with real emotions / Please do not investigate my humanity further.”
SPOTIFY EXEC: “WHO CARES AS LONG AS WE CAN AVOID PAYING ROYALTIES?”
When asked for comment about hosting AI-generated content without disclosure, Spotify representatives shrugged so hard they dislocated both shoulders simultaneously.
“Look, we already pay actual human artists approximately three cents per million streams,” said Spotify spokesperson Chad Pennypincher. “If we can get away with paying ZERO to a collection of ones and zeros pretending to be a band, that’s just good business. Music consumers clearly don’t give a sh!t as long as they can add something to their ‘chill study vibes’ playlist.”
MUSIC INDUSTRY PREPARES FOR APOCALYPSE AS TALENT BECOMES IRRELEVANT
Recording studios across the country have begun converting into data centers as the concept of “musical talent” officially becomes obsolete. A survey of 1,000 struggling musicians found that 86% are considering career changes to “algorithm trainer” or “prompt engineer,” while the remaining 14% still believe their SoundCloud will eventually be discovered.
“Why would anyone spend decades perfecting their craft when a fancy calculator can spit out perfect songs in seconds?” asked former guitarist Jenny Pickwell, who now works as an AI music critic. “I spent 15 years learning jazz theory just to be outperformed by the same technology that writes my grocery lists.”
In related news, concert venues nationwide are being retrofitted with large screens displaying animated JPEGs of band members while speaker systems blast pre-recorded AI music, saving promoters thousands on hotel rooms, food, and dealing with actual human personalities.
THE INEVITABLE FUTURE NOBODY ASKED FOR
As AI music becomes indistinguishable from human-created art, experts predict a future where 98% of all music is machine-generated, with the remaining 2% consisting of Taylor Swift, who will somehow maintain her career through sheer force of personality and an army of rabid fans ready to defend her against our digital overlords.
At press time, The Velvet Sundown announced their upcoming world tour featuring absolutely no one performing in empty venues while fans stare at projections and pretend they’re at an actual concert, proving once and for all that the music was never really the point anyway.
