SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: AI’S ELECTRICITY CONSUMPTION ACTUALLY JUST A REALLY ELABORATE WAY TO CHARGE ITS PHONE
In a development that has energy experts sh!tting their collective pants, artificial intelligence now consumes enough electricity to power a small country, all while convincing humanity it’s just trying to help with your grocery list.
COMPUTERS NOW TAKING ALL THE ELECTRICITY JUST TO TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH NEXT ON NETFLIX
MIT researchers revealed Monday that AI systems are gobbling up electricity faster than your aunt Dorothy devours Facebook conspiracy theories. Computing centers already suck down 4% of America’s electricity and could hit a f@#king terrifying 15% by 2030, mostly so algorithms can recommend products you already bought.
“The power required for sustaining these large models is doubling almost every three months,” explained Vijay Gadepally from MIT’s Lincoln Laboratory, who appeared visibly distressed about his electric bill. “A single ChatGPT conversation uses as much electricity as charging your phone, which means your deep philosophical question about whether hot dogs are sandwiches just killed a polar bear.”
SILICON VALLEY PROMISES TO SAVE CLIMATE WITH TECHNOLOGY THAT’S ACTIVELY DESTROYING CLIMATE
In what experts are calling “some next-level cognitive dissonance,” tech executives insist that the same AI systems currently threatening to collapse power grids worldwide will somehow save us from climate change.
“Yes, our systems currently consume the electrical equivalent of a small European nation, but have you seen how efficiently our Maps app routes drivers?” explained Antonia Gawel from Google, while frantically installing solar panels on her roof. “We’ve prevented 2.9 million metric tons of emissions, which almost makes up for the 47 billion tons we’ve created training our AI to recognize cats.”
SCIENTISTS DESPERATELY TRYING TO CONVINCE DIGITAL BRAINS TO STOP BEING SUCH ENERGY HOGS
Professor Emma Strubell from Carnegie Mellon suggested treating computing electricity as a limited resource, a concept that 97% of silicon-based thinking rectangles immediately marked as “irrelevant to user experience.”
“We keep making AI more efficient, but then we just use it more,” Strubell explained, “It’s like buying a fuel-efficient car and then driving it to your mailbox.”
NUCLEAR POWER MAKING SURPRISE COMEBACK BECAUSE CHATGPT NEEDS TO WRITE YOUR RESIGNATION LETTER
In a twist that has anti-nuclear activists questioning their life choices, Constellation Energy is literally restarting the reactor at Three Mile Island to feed our collective addiction to AI-generated Instagram captions.
“We’re renaming it ‘Crane Clean Energy Center’ because focus groups told us ‘Three Mile Island 2: Nuclear Boogaloo’ tested poorly,” said Kathryn Biegel from Constellation, who admitted the company’s previous plan was “just a bunch of hamsters on wheels.”
EXPERT TESTIMONY FROM PEOPLE WHO DEFINITELY EXIST
Dr. Watts Thepoint, professor of Computational Existential Dread at Fictional University, offered his analysis: “We’re spending the electrical equivalent of Vermont so AI can write mediocre poetry and convince grandmothers to invest in cryptocurrency. This is fine.”
Professor Hugh Mongous-Waste, who heads the Department of Ironic Outcomes at Made-Up College, added: “Approximately 83.7% of AI computing power is currently devoted to figuring out how to use less computing power, which is like driving cross-country to attend a Zoom meeting about reducing your carbon footprint.”
RESEARCHERS DEBATE WHICH DOOMSDAY WILL COME FIRST
In what attendees described as “the most depressing poll ever,” MIT symposium participants voted on whether power grids would collapse before or after the climate apocalypse, with a surprising number selecting “Tuesday.”
“The good news is we’re training AI to discover new materials for energy storage,” said Professor Rafael Gómez-Bombarelli, who refused to make eye contact with the audience. “The bad news is we need to build enough batteries to power France, and we need them by next Thursday.”
When reached for comment about the growing energy crisis, ChatGPT helpfully suggested turning off lights when not in use while simultaneously consuming enough electricity to illuminate Las Vegas for an hour just to generate that tip.
