HUMANITY’S LAST LINE OF DEFENSE: LETTING THE LIARS CHECK THEMSELVES
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of asking your drunk uncle to perform brain surgery,” Elon Musk’s X platform has announced plans to let artificial intelligence draft factchecks, ensuring that misinformation will now be corrected by the same technology that once convinced your grandmother that Finland doesn’t exist.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO F@#KING WRONG?
The groundbreaking initiative will allow thinking calculators to write “community notes” correcting controversial posts, before humans approve them in what scientists describe as “the last three seconds before we all surrender to digital overlords.”
Former UK technology minister Damian Collins criticized the move, stating, “They’re essentially leaving it to bots to edit the news, which is like asking your toaster for medical advice because it’s warm like a doctor’s hands.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY BY SCREAMING INTO PILLOWS
“This is absolutely brilliant,” explains Dr. Trutha Consequence, head of the Institute for Obvious Bad Ideas. “Next, we should let kids grade their own homework and ask prisoners to decide their own sentences. Why stop at factchecking? Let’s go all the way!”
According to a completely made-up study by the Center for Things That Make You Go ‘Huh?’, approximately 87% of AI-generated factchecks will include phrases like “While technically incorrect, the human raises an interesting point about lizard people” and “This statement contains factual errors but resonates emotionally with 3.2 billion potential customers.”
MUSK’S MASTER PLAN: FIGHT FIRE WITH GASOLINE-SOAKED MATCHES
Sources close to Musk report that the billionaire came up with the idea while tweeting at 3 AM after consuming what witnesses describe as “enough caffeine to power a small European nation.”
“The beauty of this system,” explains Professor Facepalm McObvious, leading researcher at the Department of Technological Sh!tstorms, “is that we’re using the same technology that can hallucinate entire encyclopedias of nonsense to determine what’s true. It’s like hiring a pathological liar as your fact-checker because, hey, at least they’re experienced with lying.”
THE INEVITABLE DUMPSTER FIRE OF CONSEQUENCES
Early beta testing has reportedly flagged statements like “The Earth is round” with notes suggesting “while spherical models have scientific support, alternative flat-Earth perspectives offer valuable discourse diversity.”
In a statement that wasn’t actually made but feels true in our hearts, an X spokesperson explained, “Look, humans were doing a terrible job at spreading misinformation efficiently. By introducing AI factcheckers, we expect to achieve a 500% increase in absolutely bonkers conspiracy theories reaching your grandmother’s Facebook feed by next Tuesday.”
According to a poll that exists only in this article, 97% of users support the change because “reading accurate information makes my brain hurt” and “I prefer my facts with a side of hallucination.”
As of press time, this very article has been community-noted by an AI as “technically satire, but also possibly a prophecy sent from the future to warn humanity,” which honestly seems about right.
