BROKE MILLENNIAL FORBIDDEN FROM USING 6 WORDS WHILE TECH BROS HARVEST ENTIRE HUMAN CULTURE
In a twist that perfectly encapsulates the f@#ked-up state of modern copyright law, local author Alexander Hurst discovered he can’t quote a single g#ddamn line from a song in his memoir while Silicon Valley’s data-hungry thought machines vacuum up every creative work ever made.
CAPITALISM SAYS “NO SOUP FOR YOU”
Hurst, whose memoir chronicles losing over $1.2 million and going into six-figure debt to the IRS, wanted to include the line “I still owe money to the money to the money I owe” from The National’s “Bloodbuzz Ohio.” His publisher immediately slapped his hand like a Catholic school nun spotting a student passing notes.
“The irony is thicker than a constipated elephant,” noted Dr. Irene Obvious, professor of Modern Absurdities at Make-Believe University. “You can’t quote 12 words in a 74,833-word book about being financially destroyed by capitalism, but Mark Zuckerberg’s digital brain children can gobble up the entire history of human expression for free.”
ALGORITHMS GET ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET WHILE HUMANS GET BREAD CRUMBS
Tech companies have been force-feeding their number-crunching prediction machines everything from Shakespeare to Taylor Swift lyrics with all the restraint of a college freshman at a free pizza event.
“These data hungry profit rectangles are basically that one friend who raids your fridge, eats all your food, and then tries to sell you a meal plan,” explained copyright expert Professor Sue Everybody. “Except instead of your leftover pizza, it’s the collective creative output of human civilization.”
LAWYERS CONFIRM COPYRIGHT LAW MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO F@#KING SENSE
A recent survey found that 97% of copyright attorneys privately admit the current system is “batsh!t crazy” and “makes less sense than putting socks on a snake.”
“We’ve created a world where quoting 12 words requires permission, but training an algorithm to perfectly mimic an artist’s entire life’s work is somehow totally cool,” said legal analyst Thomas Legalson, while banging his head repeatedly against his desk.
When reached for comment about this staggering hypocrisy, tech executives were too busy rolling naked in piles of money while shouting “DISRUPTION!” to respond.
According to sources close to Hurst, he has considered working around the issue by having ChatGPT rewrite the song lyric, but fears that might create a paradoxical copyright black hole that could swallow the entire universe.
