GOOGLE ADMITS COUNTING EMISSIONS SAME WAY IT COUNTS YOUR PRIVACY VIOLATIONS: “LOOSELY”
In a shocking revelation that has environmentalists clutching their recycled pearls, tech behemoth Google has been caught with its sustainability pants down. Turns out the company that knows exactly how many times you’ve searched “is my poop normal?” can’t quite figure out how to count its own carbon farts.
CALCULATOR.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING
According to a report by tree-hugging killjoys Kairos Fellowship, Google’s carbon emissions increased by a whopping 65% between 2019-2024, not the measly 51% the company claimed. This discrepancy has experts wondering if Google is using the same mathematical wizardry it employs to calculate your YouTube ad revenue.
“They’re essentially using ‘Google Math,’ which is like regular math but with more gaslighting,” explains Dr. Carla Figureitout, Chief Numerical Truther at the Institute for Obvious Corporate Bullsh!t. “It’s the same algorithm they use to tell you there are ‘about 1,450,000 results’ for your search when really there are like 12.”
THE CONVENIENT CARBON AMNESIA
Since 2010, Google’s emissions have skyrocketed by 1,515%, which coincidentally matches the percentage increase in executives saying “sustainability is our top priority” at shareholder meetings. The company’s biggest emissions jump occurred between 2023-2024, with a 26% increase, primarily due to their heavy investment in AI, or as industry insiders call it, “electricity-chugging opinion machines.”
“Look, counting is hard,” said fictional Google spokesperson Chad Greenwash. “Some days we count starting at zero, some days we start at negative thirty. It’s all relative, just like our commitment to the environment.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, REAL F@#KING POLLUTION
Google’s 2021 pledge to achieve net-zero emissions by 2030 now seems about as realistic as your plan to learn Spanish on Duolingo. The company has been pouring resources into AI development, which requires enough electricity to power a small nation of TikTok influencers.
Professor Wanda Givashit from the Department of Corporate Promises explains: “When Google said ‘net-zero by 2030,’ what they actually meant was ‘we’ll net approximately zero f@#ks about the environment while making zero effort to change course by 2030.'”
Studies show that 97% of tech sustainability reports are written using the same template: ambitious goals, colorful graphs pointing downward, and photos of smiling employees planting exactly one (1) tree.
COUNTING METHODS EXPOSED
An anonymous whistleblower revealed Google’s carbon accounting techniques:
1. Count emissions during lunch breaks only
2. Measure in “Google Carbons,” where 1 Google Carbon = 3.7 real carbons
3. Subtract emissions that happen on cloudy days
4. Count data centers in Antarctica as “naturally cooling”
When reached for comment, Google CEO Sundar Pichai reportedly said, “Have you tried turning the Earth off and on again?”
In related news, Google has announced plans to offset its carbon footprint by developing a revolutionary new technology that will capture carbon from the atmosphere and store it in the same place they keep all your deleted Gmail drafts and actual search results beyond page two.
