APPLE DECLARES SOME iOS 26 FEATURES “TOO DAMN GOOD” FOR EUROPEANS TO HANDLE
In a move that has tech enthusiasts questioning whether Tim Cook has finally lost his sh!t, Apple announced today that several iOS 26 features will be withheld from European users because apparently democracy and consumer rights are just too f@#king inconvenient for the trillion-dollar corporation.
EUROPEAN USERS DEVASTATED TO LEARN THEY WON’T GET NEW WAYS TO WASTE MONEY
Apple executives cited the EU’s Digital Markets Act as the reason Europeans won’t receive certain features, claiming that interoperability requirements somehow compromise security. This is like saying you can’t wear a seatbelt because it might interfere with your car’s ability to play the Macarena.
“We simply cannot comply with regulations designed to benefit consumers AND maintain our god-like control over every aspect of our ecosystem,” explained Chip Monopoly, Apple’s Senior Vice President of European Disappointment. “It’s physically impossible, like trying to both profit from child labor AND maintain ethical business practices.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON APPLE’S BOLD STRATEGY OF TELLING AN ENTIRE CONTINENT TO GO F@#K ITSELF
Dr. Obvious Cash-Grab from the Institute of Corporate Bullsh!t Studies notes that Apple’s decision perfectly aligns with their long-term business strategy of “making things needlessly complicated while charging premium prices.”
“What we’re seeing here is a textbook example of what we call in the industry ‘regulatory tantrum syndrome,'” explained Dr. Cash-Grab. “When a corporation is forced to play nice with others, they respond by taking their ball and going home, except the ball costs $1,099 and requires a proprietary charger.”
APPLE INTRODUCES NEW FEATURE: SELECTIVE COMPLIANCE
According to internal documents we absolutely did not make up, Apple has developed a groundbreaking technology called “Selective Compliance™” that allows them to follow regulations only when financially convenient.
Studies show that approximately 97.8% of Apple executives believe laws are more like “suggestions” when your market cap exceeds a trillion dollars. The remaining 2.2% were too busy swimming in their money vaults to respond to the survey.
EUROPEAN COMMISSION RESPONDS WITH STRONGLY WORDED EMAIL THAT ACCIDENTALLY WENT TO SPAM FOLDER
Margrethe Vestager, EU Competition Commissioner, reportedly sent Apple a message expressing displeasure, but it was automatically filtered out by Apple’s “European Regulator Blocker” feature that comes standard on all executive iPhones.
“We spent years crafting legislation to create a fair digital marketplace,” Vestager allegedly said while banging her head against her desk. “And Apple’s response is essentially ‘new phone, who dis?'”
In a stunning coincidence, 89% of Apple’s legal team were suddenly granted extended vacations to non-extradition countries.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU, THE EUROPEAN CONSUMER
For European Apple users, this development means you’ll continue paying premium prices for devices with artificially limited functionality, while watching Americans enjoy features you can only dream about. But don’t worry! Apple has thoughtfully included a new iOS 26 feature called “Second-Class Citizen Mode” that automatically dims your screen whenever you think about consumer rights.
In conclusion, Apple remains committed to its core values of innovation, design excellence, and telling regulators to suck it whenever they suggest that maybe, just maybe, consumers should have a tiny bit of freedom with the devices they paid a small fortune to own.
