GOVERNMENT TELLS TECH BROS TO TURN CRIMINALS INTO CYBORGS, BECAUSE WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
In a desperate attempt to solve Britain’s prison overcrowding crisis, Justice Secretary Shabana Mahmood invited Silicon Valley’s finest minds to brainstorm solutions, apparently forgetting that tech companies’ moral compasses point directly toward “dystopian nightmare.”
SUBCUTANEOUS SURVEILLANCE: THE NEW FASHION ACCESSORY FOR FELONS
At a closed-door meeting in London last month, tech executives enthusiastically suggested turning criminals into walking surveillance devices by implanting trackers directly under their skin. Because nothing says “rehabilitation” like being transformed into a human GPS dot.
“Our studies show that being constantly monitored like a UPS package reduces recidivism by approximately 76.2%,” claimed Dr. Hugh Mann-Rights, CEO of SurveillTech Industries, pulling statistics directly from his posterior region.
ROBOT PRISON GUARDS: BECAUSE HUMANS HAVE TOO MANY PESKY “EMOTIONS”
Not content with merely tracking offenders, several companies proposed deploying robots to contain prisoners, eliminating troublesome human concerns like “compassion” and “judgment.”
“Our PrisonBot 3000 can be programmed to use exactly the right amount of force,” explained Professor Algorithms R. Ethical from the Institute of Mechanized Incarceration. “And by ‘right amount,’ we mean whatever the government decides is acceptable this week.”
SELF-DRIVING PRISON VANS: WHAT THE F@#K COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
In perhaps the most terrifying proposal, several companies suggested autonomous vehicles for prisoner transport, combining the reliability of self-driving cars with the stakes of transporting potentially dangerous criminals.
“We’ve tested our autonomous prison vans extensively,” insisted Transportation Innovation Officer Ben D. Fender. “They’ve only driven into lakes three times, which is well within our acceptable margin of error.”
CREATING A “PRISON OUTSIDE OF PRISON” OR MAYBE JUST FIX THE ACTUAL PRISONS?
Justice Secretary Mahmood reportedly told the assembled technocrats she wanted a “prison outside of prison” using wearable tech and geolocation, apparently having watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and mistaking them for instructional videos.
“We’re very excited about these innovative solutions,” Mahmood allegedly said while tech executives drooled over potential government contracts worth billions. “It’s much easier than addressing systemic issues like underfunding, understaffing, and failed rehabilitation programs.”
CIVIL LIBERTIES GROUPS LOSE SH!T, SURPRISING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
When contacted for comment, civil liberties advocate Maya Rights screamed incoherently for thirty seconds before regaining composure.
“They want to put WHAT under people’s skin?” she eventually managed. “Has anyone considered that maybe, just MAYBE, turning offenders into walking surveillance devices might violate basic human dignity and several international treaties?”
Sources close to the Justice Ministry report that Rights’ concerns were immediately filed in a special cabinet labeled “Bleeding Heart Nonsense” and promptly forgotten.
At press time, the government was reportedly considering a follow-up proposal to simply upload criminals’ consciousnesses to the cloud, creating the world’s first fully digital penitentiary, thereby solving the prison crisis and creating a whole new existential one.
