ZUCKERBERG DESPERATELY LURES AI RESEARCHERS WITH $100M AND PROMISE OF SEEING SUNLIGHT ONCE A MONTH
In a frantic bid to maintain relevance in the rapidly evolving AI landscape, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has resorted to offering obscene compensation packages to top AI researchers, reportedly including up to $100 million, a company helicopter, and the privilege of seeing his human-like smile up close.
RECRUITMENT STRATEGY INCLUDES HIDING IN RESEARCHERS’ BUSHES
Sources close to the company reveal that Zuckerberg isn’t simply posting job listings online. Instead, he’s employing tactics that would make even the CIA say, “That’s a bit f@#king excessive, mate.”
“Mark has a detailed spreadsheet of every AI researcher on the planet, including their favorite cereal brands and bathroom schedules,” said former Meta employee Todd Whistleblow. “He once spent three weeks disguised as a graduate student’s goldfish just to assess their potential.”
THE INTERVIEW PROCESS IS JUST ZUCKERBERG STARING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR SOUL
Candidates who make it past the initial stalking phase face an interview process that defies conventional understanding of human resources or basic dignity.
“I was taken to an unmarked location in the desert where Zuckerberg emerged from behind a cactus wearing what appeared to be a suit made entirely of USB cables,” said Dr. Alan Turning-Away, who ultimately declined Meta’s offer. “He didn’t speak for the first hour, just maintained unblinking eye contact while occasionally misting himself with water.”
COMPENSATION PACKAGES INCLUDE “REALITY DISTORTION BENEFITS”
The truly astronomical compensation packages, which industry insiders describe as “what the actual sh!t,” include traditional components like salary and stock options, but also more unusual perks.
“Each offer is tailored to the individual’s deepest desires, which Zuckerberg somehow already knows,” explained Meta compensation specialist Penny Worth-Billions. “One researcher was offered $30 million annually, plus a private island shaped like their childhood pet, and a guarantee that Mark would never again appear in their dreams.”
According to Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Things Everyone Already Knows, “The desperation reeks worse than a Bitcoin investor’s unwashed hoodie. Meta is essentially saying, ‘Please help us remain relevant before our Metaverse becomes the digital equivalent of a RadioShack.'”
INTERNAL DOCUMENTS REVEAL DESPERATE MEASURES
Leaked internal memos show increasingly panicked directives from Zuckerberg, including one that simply read “FIND SMART PEOPLE. PAY ANYTHING. I NEED WIN. BRAIN HURTY.”
A follow-up memo allegedly instructed recruiters to “offer them the moon if necessary. Not metaphorically. I’ve been in talks with NASA.”
COMPETITORS RESPOND WITH EQUALLY UNHINGED STRATEGIES
Not to be outdone, other tech giants have escalated their own recruitment tactics. Google reportedly offers candidates the chance to know what happens after death, while Amazon promises researchers they can experience what it feels like to pay taxes.
“It’s basically a d!ck-measuring contest, except with billion-dollar checkbooks instead of actual d!cks,” said industry analyst Richard Johnson. “Though I wouldn’t put it past them to include that metric in future assessments.”
According to an absolutely made-up but completely believable survey, 87% of top AI researchers now spend more time hiding from tech CEOs than actually researching AI.
At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly considering offering his own consciousness as part of future compensation packages, with the fine print revealing it’s actually just 47 lines of BASIC code running on a Commodore 64.
