GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES REVOLUTIONARY APP THAT DOES ABSOLUTELY F@#KING NOTHING
LONDON — In what experts are calling “the most British government initiative ever,” officials today proudly unveiled their groundbreaking new gov.uk smartphone app that promises to revolutionize the way citizens stare at their phones waiting for something to happen.
The app, designed to “cut life admin” according to government officials who clearly have no idea what admin actually is, will allow users to do virtually nothing they couldn’t already do by simply typing “gov.uk” into their browser, only now with the added inconvenience of downloading something.
FEATURES THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND, EVENTUALLY, MAYBE
Cabinet Minister Peter Kyle admitted with characteristic British understatement that “the design is not as we would like it to be,” which insiders translate as “it’s a complete sh!tshow but we’ve already spent £247 million on it.”
The app currently offers the revolutionary feature of redirecting users to existing webpages, a technological feat that has only been possible since approximately 1991. Future updates promise an AI chatbot that will expertly tell you to check the website, notifications to remind you that your government is still technically functioning, and digital driving licences that will be accepted by absolutely no one.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS TECHNOLOGICAL MARVEL
“It’s genuinely impressive how they’ve managed to create something so utterly useless while spending what we assume is the GDP of a small nation,” said Dr. Waisted Taxpounds, Professor of Obvious Government Failures at the University of Duh. “They’ve essentially built a very expensive door that opens onto another door that was already open.”
Tech analyst Sir Pointless Project added, “The most impressive feature is how they’ve managed to exclude both the NHS and HMRC, which are literally the only two government services most people actually need to access regularly. It’s like building a shopping mall without any shops.”
CITIZENS REACT WITH CHARACTERISTIC ENTHUSIASM
Early adopters have been quick to share their excitement. “I’ve always wanted an app that does nothing useful but takes up storage on my phone,” said London resident Emma Watson, 34, who is definitely not the famous actress and whose name we definitely didn’t just make up.
Surveys show that 97.8% of British citizens would rather file their taxes with a quill pen dipped in their own tears than download another government app, but officials remain undeterred.
FUTURE INNOVATIONS ON THE HORIZON
Government sources reveal that the app will eventually incorporate an AI chatbot named “BORIS” (Bureaucratically Obtuse Response and Information System) that will be programmed to give vague answers while promising to “get back to you on that” before crashing.
The digital driving licence feature is expected to launch in 2027, just in time for the flying car revolution that will definitely happen and isn’t just something Elon Musk tweeted about while high.
At press time, government IT specialists were frantically trying to explain to the cabinet that no, they cannot “just add TikTok dances” to make the app more appealing to young voters.
