SILICON SEX TOY DESIGNS ITSELF, F@#KS HUMANITY OUT OF JOB
In what experts are calling “the most disturbing case of technological masturbation yet,” an MIT lab has successfully taught artificial intelligence to design a robot that jumps higher than human-engineered versions, proving once again that humans are becoming increasingly useless bags of water and anxiety.
SKYNET STARTS WITH A BOUNCE
MIT researchers have created what can only be described as the world’s most overqualified pogo stick – a jumping robot designed by a computer algorithm that outperforms human engineering by a staggering 41 percent. Because apparently teaching digital brain-simulators to beat us at chess, Go, and writing your kid’s homework wasn’t humiliating enough.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to be engineering our own obsolescence,” gushed Dr. Byungchul Kim, who will surely be first against the wall when the robot rebellion starts. “Our computer came up with a better design than our entire team of PhDs! Isn’t that just f@#king fantastic?”
SCIENTISTS SHOCKED THAT CURVED STICKS WORK BETTER THAN STRAIGHT ONES
The genius breakthrough? The AI-designed robot features curved linkages that look like “drumsticks” instead of straight rectangular ones. Yes, that’s right – humanity’s collective engineering knowledge spanning thousands of years was outsmarted by a digital entity that basically said, “what if stick… but CURVY?”
“This is completely revolutionary,” claimed Professor Obvious Hindsight of the Institute for Things We Should Have Tried First. “Who could have possibly predicted that curved structures might store energy differently than straight ones? Certainly not the species that invented the bow and arrow, catapult, or literally any sporting equipment.”
EXPERTS PREDICT AI-DESIGNED SEX ROBOTS NEXT, HUMANITY DOOMED TO EXTINCTION
The researchers claim their next step is using natural language to guide the system to “draft a robot that can pick up a mug, or operate an electric drill.” However, anonymous sources within the lab confirm they’ve already received 47,892 requests to design “companionship robots with anatomically optimized features.”
“We’ll all be out of jobs soon anyway,” confided one researcher who wished to remain anonymous. “Might as well go out with a bang. Literally.”
COMPUTER DISCOVERS PHYSICS PRINCIPLES HUMANS HAVE KNOWN FOR CENTURIES
Perhaps most impressive is how the AI “discovered” that making parts extremely thin might cause them to break – a revolutionary concept previously unknown to humanity except for literally anyone who’s ever held a stick.
According to Dr. Ima Complicit, who helped develop the system, “The AI’s solution was so innovative that none of our engineers could have thought of it. Well, they probably could have, but we’ve all been watching so much TikTok that our brains have melted into a fine slurry of dance trends and conspiracy theories.”
SILICON VALLEY INVESTORS THROW MONEY AT GLORIFIED JUMPING BEANS
Venture capitalists are already lining up to invest billions in what is essentially a plastic frog with a motor attached to it. “We see enormous market potential,” said Chadwick Moneybags III, partner at Obvious Capital. “This technology could revolutionize the critical ‘things that jump’ sector, which includes crickets, kangaroos, and overly caffeinated toddlers.”
Industry analysts predict the global market for jumping sh!t will reach $69 trillion by 2026, despite no one asking for any of this.
AT PRESS TIME: ROBOT DESIGNERS DESIGNING ROBOT DESIGNERS
Sources confirm that MIT researchers are now working on teaching their AI to design better versions of itself, creating an infinite loop of technological self-improvement that absolutely won’t end with humanity serving as batteries for our new mechanical overlords.
“It’s fine, everything’s fine,” insisted project leader Dr. Will B. Replaced, while nervously eyeing the lab’s exit. “The AI just wants to help us jump higher. And if one day it decides to jump on our faces until we’re dead, well, that’s just the price of progress, isn’t it?”
The jumping robot is scheduled for mass production just as soon as someone figures out why the f@#k anyone would need a jumping robot in the first place.
