ITALIAN BRAIN ROT EPIDEMIC TURNS CHILDREN INTO LINGUINI-SPEAKING ANIMAL LUNATICS, EXPERTS FEAR COMMUNICABLE STUPIDITY
In what scientists are calling “the dumbest f@#king thing since Tide Pod challenges,” children nationwide are suffering from a devastating condition known as “Italian Brain Rot Animals” that has parents, teachers, and anyone with functioning brain cells completely bewildered.
THE DISEASE SPREADS
Local teacher Tim, whose real name we’ve changed to protect him from further exposure to this intellectual plague, was reportedly assaulted with the question “What’s your favorite Italian brain rot animal?” by a student whose brain has clearly been marinara-sauced beyond repair.
“I thought I was having a stroke,” admitted Tim, who requested we use a pseudonym so his friends don’t realize he works with these tiny idiots. “I made her repeat it five times before I understood she was speaking English words in an order that shouldn’t legally be allowed.”
WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K IS HAPPENING?
According to Dr. Minda Melting, head of Digital Dementia Studies at Make-Believe University, Italian brain rot animals are AI-generated abominations with Italian-sounding names like “Chimpanzini Bananini” and “Ballerina Cappuccina” that serve absolutely no purpose except to accelerate humanity’s inevitable decline.
“These children are literally getting dumber by the second,” explained Dr. Melting while banging her head against her desk. “We’ve measured a 69% decrease in coherent thought among exposed kids and a 420% increase in saying random sh!t that makes adults question their will to live.”
PARENTS PANIC AS CHILDREN SPEAK IN TONGUE (LINGUINI)
Local mother Brenda Thompson reports her 11-year-old daughter now exclusively communicates in what she calls “Mamma-Mia Mentalese.”
“Yesterday she asked if we could adopt a ‘Pizzadog Rigatoni’ and when I said that’s not a real animal, she showed me an AI-generated image of what appeared to be a dachshund made of pasta,” Thompson said. “I’m considering putting her up for adoption.”
EXPERTS BLAME “ALGORITHM AMERICANS”
The phenomenon has been traced to digital platforms where keyboard-smashing nonsense is now considered peak comedy by children whose brains have been liquified by exposure to sentence fragments and images created by what experts are calling “silicon-based thinking rectangles.”
Professor Imso Screwed of the Institute for Children Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too warns the situation will only worsen.
“We’re witnessing the first generation whose primary language is complete gibberish,” he explained. “By 2026, an estimated 87% of all under-15s will communicate exclusively through nonsensical Italian-sounding phrases while showing each other pictures of animals that don’t exist.”
EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM RESPONDS
Schools nationwide are implementing emergency protocols, including mandatory screening for “brain pasta” and remedial classes in “Remembering Real F@#king Animals 101.”
“We’ve had to create an entirely new detention system,” sighed Principal Lance Hardplace of Doomed Generation Middle School. “Children caught discussing their favorite ‘Gelato Girafficino’ are forced to look at pictures of actual animals while we repeatedly tell them ‘THIS IS A REAL THING THAT EXISTS IN NATURE.'”
As of press time, linguists report Italian speakers worldwide are threatening legal action against Gen Alpha for “crimes against the beautiful language of Dante” while Oxford University Press employees were seen drinking heavily after naming “brain rot” their word of the year just before the situation escalated to include fake Italian animals.
The apocalypse, apparently, will not arrive with a bang but with a “Ciao, Pizzarat Spaghettini!”
