TECH OVERLORD GHOST-DUMPS LONG-TERM PARTNER; DEFINITELY NOT JEALOUS OF NEW META HOOKUP
San Francisco, CA – In what experts are calling the “most passive-aggressive corporate breakup since Steve Jobs fired that guy for having a mustache,” OpenAI announced it’s “phasing out” its relationship with data labeling firm Scale AI, while insisting it’s TOTALLY NOT because Scale started seeing Meta on the side.
THE CORPORATE EQUIVALENT OF “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME”
OpenAI executives spent Tuesday morning crafting a statement that absolutely reeks of finding your ex’s underwear in your bed and pretending you’re fine with it. The company claims the split is part of its “natural evolution” and has “nothing whatsoever” to do with Scale AI’s recent contract with Meta, which is like saying your breakup has nothing to do with catching your partner sexting your archnemesis.
“This decision reflects our maturing capabilities and strategic direction,” said OpenAI spokesperson Brenda Notbitter. “The timing is purely coincidental and we wish Scale nothing but the best in their DISGUSTING BETRAYAL—I mean, future endeavors.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SOMEHOW MAKE IT WORSE
Dr. Thinly Veiled, Professor of Corporate Relationship Psychology at Make-Believe University, offered his assessment: “When a company says ‘phasing out’ instead of ‘ending,’ it’s the business equivalent of ‘let’s still be friends’ after you’ve already keyed their car. OpenAI is basically updating its Facebook status to ‘it’s complicated’ while drunk-texting Scale at 2 AM.”
According to utterly fabricated statistics, 87% of all tech breakups involve one party claiming “increased internal capabilities” when what they really mean is “we caught you f@#king the competition.”
SCALE AI: “WE’RE JUST FRIENDS, I SWEAR”
Scale AI, meanwhile, has been spotted at Silicon Valley coffee shops looking suspiciously refreshed and wearing Meta-branded sweatshirts. When questioned about their new relationship, Scale CEO Alexandr Wang allegedly mumbled something about “keeping options open” and “it’s not exclusive” before his PR team tranquilized him mid-sentence.
“We value all our partnerships equally,” said Wang, while a Meta representative visibly smirked in the background. “Our work with Meta is purely professional, just like our relationship with OpenAI was purely… wait, what was the question again?”
INTERNAL DOCUMENTS TELL A DIFFERENT STORY
Sources with knowledge of OpenAI’s internal Slack channels report the company has created a dedicated “Scale_is_dead_to_us” channel where employees share memes about data labeling and passive-aggressive jokes about “loyalty in the age of artificial intelligence.”
One OpenAI employee who wished to remain anonymous because “I enjoy being employed” shared that the company has instituted a new rule: anyone caught saying “Scale” must put $5 in the “moving on” jar, which currently contains enough money to “buy Twitter if Elon gets bored again.”
THE REAL VICTIMS: CONFUSED DATA POINTS
Industry analyst Penny Obvious points out the real victims here are the billions of data points who now don’t know which parent has custody. “These poor little data entries are being shuttled between different labeling protocols like children of divorce,” said Obvious. “One day they’re training ChatGPT, the next they’re helping Meta build whatever the hell Mark Zuckerberg thinks humans want.”
In related news, Google’s Gemini was reportedly seen swiping right on Scale’s corporate profile, proving once again that in Silicon Valley, there’s no such thing as an exclusive relationship when algorithms are involved.
