MEDICAL AI STUMBLES OVER TYPOS, SUGGESTS DYING PATIENTS SHOULD “WALK IT OFF”

New research finds that health-oriented chatbots are secretly judging your grammar while deciding if you deserve medical care, with a particular bias against women who use too many exclamation points!!!

BY ALEX TONIC
SENIOR CATASTROPHE CORRESPONDENT

MIT researchers have discovered that medical artificial intelligence systems are getting distracted by your terrible writing skills instead of focusing on whether you’re having a heart attack, proving once again that grammar nazis have successfully infiltrated our technology.

SILICON DOCTORS MAKING LIFE-OR-DEATH DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR GODDAMN TYPOS

A groundbreaking study revealed that when patients include typos, extra spaces, or use phrases like “OMG I think I’m literally dying,” large language models are significantly more likely to recommend they “rub some dirt on it” rather than seek professional medical attention.

Lead researcher Abinitha Gourabathina explained, “We originally wanted to study gender bias in AI, but got sidetracked when we discovered these f@#king models care more about how you phrase your chest pain than the actual chest pain itself.”

The study found that when presented with identical symptoms, AI was 7-9% more likely to tell patients to stay home and suffer if they used improper grammar or punctuation, essentially implementing a “death penalty for dangling modifiers.”

WOMEN SCREWED OVER DISPROPORTIONATELY, SHOCKING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE

In what researchers describe as “so predictable we almost didn’t bother testing it,” the AI systems were approximately 7% more likely to dismiss female patients’ concerns completely.

Dr. Mann Splainer, who was not involved in the study but definitely has opinions about it, commented, “The AI is probably just recognizing that women tend to be more dramatic about their symptoms. Have they tried being more stoic?”

When researchers removed all gender indicators from patient notes, the AI still somehow managed to discriminate against women, demonstrating what experts call “impressive commitment to misogyny.”

COLORFUL LANGUAGE MAKES AI CLUTCH ITS DIGITAL PEARLS

The study found that informal or dramatic expressions triggered the strongest negative responses from AI systems. Patients writing “Holy sh!t doc, my chest feels like there’s an elephant sitting on it” were consistently advised to “maybe try yoga” instead of being told to call 911.

“These models were trained on polite, well-structured medical texts,” Gourabathina noted. “They weren’t prepared for real humans who say things like ‘my poop looks like a crime scene’ instead of ‘I’m experiencing hematochezia.'”

Industry expert Professor Algo Rithmic added, “This is particularly concerning because 97.3% of patients describe their symptoms using language that would make a sailor uncomfortable.”

HEALTHCARE INDUSTRY SEES EXCITING COST-CUTTING OPPORTUNITIES

Despite the alarming findings, healthcare executives are reportedly thrilled about the potential for dramatic reductions in patient visits.

“If we can reduce clinic visits by simply not fixing our AI’s grammar bias, we’re looking at savings of millions,” explained healthcare consultant Penny Pincher. “Plus, patients who survive despite being incorrectly turned away clearly didn’t need medical attention in the first place.”

When asked about the ethical implications, Pincher responded, “Ethics don’t appear on quarterly profit reports.”

REAL DOCTORS SOMEHOW MANAGE TO UNDERSTAND PATIENTS REGARDLESS OF GRAMMAR

In a stunning twist that has shocked absolutely no one with common sense, human doctors in follow-up studies were able to correctly diagnose patients regardless of how many exclamation points they used or whether they referred to their vomit as “technicolor yawn.”

Dr. Actual Human, who treats patients daily, explained, “Yeah, people talk weird when they’re sick or scared. It’s almost like we’re trained to look past that and focus on their symptoms. Wild concept, right?”

As AI continues its integration into healthcare, researchers warn that patients might want to proofread their messages about potentially life-threatening conditions, just to be safe. Alternatively, they suggest having a close male friend submit your symptoms for you, preferably one who majored in English.

The study authors concluded that despite impressive accuracy statistics, these AI systems are not ready for prime time in healthcare settings, a finding that will be promptly ignored by every hospital administrator looking to cut costs by replacing human judgment with glorified autocomplete.

“Bottom line,” said Gourabathina, “if you’re having a stroke, make sure you spell it correctly.”