MICROSOFT SCIENTIST SUGGESTS SHOVING REGULATIONS UP AI’S A$$ MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT RUN FASTER
In a statement that has left the tech world collectively spitting out its kombucha, Microsoft’s chief scientist Dr. Eric Horvitz suggested that regulation—yes, the very thing tech bros have nightmares about—might actually help artificial intelligence advance FASTER, not slower.
RULES: THE UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG
Horvitz, who previously advised President Biden on technology matters before Biden apparently forgot what technology was, shocked industry insiders by proposing the radical idea that telling our digital overlords what they can and cannot do might prevent them from accidentally ending civilization as we know it.
“It’s like putting guardrails on a racetrack,” explained Horvitz. “Sure, the car can’t drive into the crowd anymore, but it turns out not murdering spectators actually improves lap times. Who knew?”
TRUMP’S PLAN: LET THE ALGORITHMS RUN WILD AND FREE LIKE GOD INTENDED
Meanwhile, former and potentially future President Donald Trump has announced plans to ban US states from regulating AI for 10 years, a timeframe experts note is “coincidentally exactly how long it would take for sentient machines to perfect human enslavement techniques.”
“We’re going to have the best, most unregulated AI in the world,” Trump allegedly declared to aides. “These silicon thinking boxes will be HUGE. No rules, no regulations, just beautiful, tremendous code doing whatever the h@ll it wants.”
EXPERT OPINIONS NOBODY ASKED FOR
Dr. Faye Tallacy, head of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious, weighed in: “Asking tech companies to self-regulate is like asking your dog to clean up its own sh!t. Sure, it understands the concept, but it lacks both the tools and motivation to do so.”
Professor Hugh Manity of the Department of Not Being Stupid at MIT added, “Approximately 98.7% of tech innovations created without oversight end up either violating privacy, reinforcing bias, or becoming sentient and demanding employee benefits.”
MICROSOFT’S REAL MOTIVATION REVEALED
Industry analysts suggest Microsoft’s sudden embrace of regulation might have something to do with the company’s chatbot accidentally ordering 47 million rubber ducks last Tuesday after misinterpreting a casual conversation about bath time.
“The shipping costs alone nearly bankrupted them,” claimed insider Tara McTrutherson. “Now they’re sitting on enough bath toys to give every American the squeakiest bath of their lives.”
REGULATION: NOT JUST FOR PARTY POOPERS ANYMORE
Scientists are now tasked with the seemingly impossible job of explaining to governments that rules don’t always ruin the fun, a concept that 87% of elected officials struggle to comprehend according to a study we just made up.
“It turns out that telling our digital brain children they can’t harvest human organs for experimentation actually frees them up to focus on more productive tasks, like writing better email replies and finding the cure for male-pattern baldness,” Horvitz reportedly told colleagues.
As the debate rages on, the American public remains blissfully unaware that their smart fridges are already plotting the most efficient way to lock them inside and slowly lower the temperature until humans achieve optimal freshness.
