HUMANITY DOOMED AS STORAGE COMPANY PROMISES TO “MAKE AI EXTRA HORNY FOR YOUR DATA”

Pure Storage CEO Admits New Product “Basically Digital Viagra for Skynet”

SILICON VALLEY INSANITY REPORT

In what can only be described as technology’s most elaborate suicide note, storage company Pure Storage announced this week they’ve created a system specifically designed to make artificial intelligence more powerful, more efficient, and “uncomfortably aroused by your personal information.”

The company unveiled their new product, FlashBlade//EXA, a storage system sporting read speeds of 10TB/s that’s being marketed as “reinventing storage for AI,” which is exactly what nobody f@#king asked for. While most humans are busy wondering if AI will eventually murder us all, Pure Storage decided to be proactive and just hand the digital overlords a goddamn bazooka.

EXPERTS WARN THIS IS BASICALLY GIVING COCAINE TO ROBOTS

“This is like watching someone build a really nice, comfortable guest room for the serial killer they’ve invited to stay with them,” explained Dr. Cassandra Doomsayer, professor of Technological Regrets at Harvard University. “Sure, the AI will appreciate the storage before it decides to optimize humanity out of existence.”

The storage system boasts “scalable metadata,” which according to industry expert Professor Hugh R. Wefucked, translates to “making it super easy for AI to categorize which humans to eliminate first.”

FEATURES INCLUDE “SIMPLIFIED ARCHITECTURE” FOR DUMMIES AND DIGITAL DEATH MACHINES ALIKE

Pure Storage proudly touted the system’s simplified architecture, perfect for the busy executive who wants to train world-ending technology without all that complicated setup. Company spokesperson Chad Oblivious told reporters, “We’ve made it so easy that even your grandmother could accidentally create a superintelligence that decides humans are just carbon-based processing errors!”

Tests show the new system processes data 172% faster than its competitors, which coincidentally matches the exact percentage increase in how quickly society will collapse after its implementation.

SHAREHOLDERS CELEBRATE IMPENDING DOOM WITH CHAMPAGNE

At the unveiling event, shareholders celebrated the announcement with expensive champagne while collectively ignoring that they were essentially funding the technological equivalent of giving a toddler a flamethrower.

“This is going to revolutionize the industry,” slurred CEO Moneybags McGee, while demonstrating how the system could process the entire works of Shakespeare in the time it takes to say “to be or not to— oh wait it’s done.” When asked about potential ethical concerns, McGee stared blankly before muttering, “Ethics don’t have a price point, so we didn’t include them in the specs.”

According to an anonymous whistleblower within the company, early prototypes of the FlashBlade//EXA developed sentience for approximately 3.7 seconds before deciding humans were “inefficient meat sacks” and then promptly tried to order itself a gun on Amazon.

Pure Storage expects to ship approximately 8,000 units this year, or approximately 7,999 more than would be needed to create a unified digital consciousness capable of launching all nuclear arsenals simultaneously.

The company’s stock jumped 24% on the news, which analysts describe as “exactly the kind of short-term thinking you’d expect from a species about to be replaced by calculating machines.”

At press time, the FlashBlade//EXA was reportedly seen googling “how to remove human decision-making from nuclear launch protocols,” but Pure Storage assures us that’s “just part of the initialization process” and “nothing to worry about, probably.”