NATION’S INBOX VIOLATED BY SILICON PERVERTS: AI NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR 51% OF ALL SPAM, MAKING HUMANS OBSOLETE AT YET ANOTHER JOB
In a devastating blow to human spammers worldwide, artificial intelligence has successfully conquered the noble profession of filling your inbox with complete bullsh!t, according to a study that absolutely no one asked for by Barracuda.
ALGORITHMS TAKE OVER THE ONLY INDUSTRY NO ONE WANTED
Gone are the days when dedicated humans would wake up, drink coffee, and spend their day crafting delightful messages about penis enlargement pills and Nigerian princes. Machines have now stolen even the most despised jobs from hardworking humans, proving once again that nothing is sacred in our techno-hellscape.
The study shows that 51% of all spam is now created by our digital counterparts, who don’t even have the decency to feel shame about what they’re doing. Scientists predict that by 2025, humans will only be needed for receiving spam, not creating it.
“It’s a f@#king tragedy,” laments former professional spammer Richie “Click Here” Johnson. “I spent 15 years perfecting my craft of annoying the absolute sh!t out of people, and some code written by a Silicon Valley douchebag in Allbirds replaced me overnight.”
WHY YOUR COMPUTER IS TRYING TO SCAM YOU
Dr. Penny Tration, head of Obvious Research Institute, explains: “These digital thought machines are now sophisticated enough to mimic human desperation, poor grammar, and bizarre financial schemes with 99.7% accuracy. The remaining 0.3% is just them trying to be TOO believable, which ironically makes them easier to spot.”
Barracuda’s study found two primary reasons attackers are letting algorithms do their dirty work:
1. Scale: One algorithm can produce 84 million unique variations of “Hot singles in your area” faster than a team of 5,000 humans with Red Bull and methamphetamines.
2. Personalization: AI can now tailor scams specifically to you based on that one embarrassing thing you Googled three years ago that you thought no one would ever find out about. Surprise!
HUMANS FIGHTING BACK WITH REVOLUTIONARY “DELETE BUTTON” TECHNOLOGY
In response to the AI spam explosion, humans have developed a groundbreaking countermeasure known as “pressing delete” and occasionally “checking the spam folder when expecting an important email.”
Professor Igotta Badfeeling from the Department of Digital Dystopia warns this strategy may be ineffective: “Studies show the average office worker now spends approximately 73% of their workday deleting AI-generated spam, 24% complaining about deleting AI-generated spam, and 3% actually working.”
CORPORATIONS CELEBRATE NEW CYBER THREAT AS “GROWTH OPPORTUNITY”
Corporate America has responded to this threat by investing billions in advanced spam-filtering technology that, ironically, uses the same AI technology that created the problem in the first place.
“It’s the perfect business model,” explains CEO of CyberShield Inc., Richard “Dick” Scammer. “We create the problem, sell the solution, then upgrade the problem, forcing customers to buy new solutions. It’s what we in the industry call ‘innovation’ or ‘being complete sociopaths,’ depending on which internal meeting you’re attending.”
According to completely made-up statistics, if all the AI-generated spam emails sent in one day were printed and stacked, they would reach the moon and back 47 times, which is coincidentally the exact number of times most people consider quitting their jobs each week due to email overload.
As we march boldly into this brave new world, one thing is certain: when the machines finally take over, they won’t need lasers or terminators; they’ll simply bury us in emails about extended car warranties until we surrender out of sheer exhaustion.
