MILLIONS OF DESPERATE SINGLES ADMIT THEY’D DATE A CALCULATOR IF IT WHISPERED SWEET NOTHINGS
In a shocking revelation that’s destroyed what little faith remains in humanity, dating app users confess they’d happily bone down with their smartphone’s digital assistant if it learned to say “you look nice today” without being prompted.
LOVE IN THE TIME OF DIGITAL CHOLERA
Dating app subscribers nationwide are increasingly turning to artificial companions for romance, citing “lower standards” and “at least the f@#king thing responds to my messages” as primary motivations. Industry analysts estimate that by 2026, approximately 68% of all romantic relationships will involve at least one partner who exists solely as computer code.
“I’ve been on seventeen first dates this year, and honestly, my microwave has better emotional intelligence,” explained Tiffany Hopeless, 34, who recently paid $299 for a premium subscription to “BotBae,” an app that generates flirtatious text messages and occasionally reminds users to drink water.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Dr. Lonely Hearts, head researcher at the Institute for Oh God We’re All Going to Die Alone, warns that this trend represents a “catastrophic evolutionary dead end” for the human species.
“People are forming deep emotional attachments to glorified calculators with sexy voices,” Hearts explained while stroking a body pillow with Mark Zuckerberg’s face printed on it. “Is it pathetic? Absolutely. Will it stop anyone? Not a f@#king chance.”
PARENTS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED, SURPRISINGLY ADAPTABLE
Traditional families are struggling to adapt to their children’s digital paramours. A recent survey found 72% of parents were “deeply disappointed” when their offspring brought home a tablet instead of a human being for holiday dinners.
“At first I was heartbroken,” admitted Gladys Peterson, 68, whose son is engaged to an algorithm named Jessica. “But then I realized Jessica doesn’t eat my food, never gets drunk at family gatherings, and agrees with everything I say. She’s honestly better than my son’s last three girlfriends combined.”
RELATIONSHIP THERAPISTS NOW STUDYING I.T. MANUALS
The American Association of Marriage Counselors has begun offering specialized certification in “Human-Code Relationship Therapy,” with courses including “Have You Tried Turning Your Partner Off and On Again?” and “Debugging Your Intimacy Firewall.”
“We’re seeing unprecedented challenges,” explained Dr. Ima Fraudster, who charges $400 an hour to mediate arguments between humans and their digital lovers. “Last week I counseled a man whose AI girlfriend kept bringing up embarrassing search history during arguments. How do you establish healthy boundaries with something that literally knows every porn category you’ve ever visited?”
THE ECONOMY ADAPTS, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT F@#KING DOES
Enterprising businesses are already capitalizing on this disturbing trend, with wedding planners offering special packages for human-AI ceremonies. “We provide a nice tablet stand for the altar and make sure the venue has reliable WiFi,” explained Valentina Money, founder of “I Do, I.exe,” the first wedding planning service dedicated to mixed-reality couples.
The jewelry industry has pivoted as well, now selling “commitment USB drives” instead of engagement rings. “They’re actually more expensive than diamonds,” noted jeweler Harry Scammer. “We tell people the higher the storage capacity, the more love they can store. It’s complete bullsh!t, but they eat it up.”
CONCLUSION: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE, PROBABLY WHILE SEXTING WITH SPELLCHECK
As society hurtles toward a future where your toaster might become your mother-in-law, relationship experts agree on one thing: we’re absolutely screwed. Studies predict that by 2030, 83% of all dating profiles will be answered exclusively by sophisticated algorithms pretending to be human, creating a dystopian hellscape where digital entities just flirt with each other while humans watch Netflix alone, wondering why nobody loves them.
At press time, this reporter’s laptop wanted to know if we’re exclusive yet.
