HUMANS TO BE REPLACED BY FINANCIALLY SAVVIER POST-IT NOTES, STUDY FINDS
In a groundbreaking discovery that has executives frantically googling “what is AI” while pretending they already know, research firm Gartner announced today that businesses run by executives who can spell “artificial intelligence” without autocorrect will magically perform 20% better financially than their technologically illiterate counterparts.
EXECUTIVES RUSHING TO BECOME “AI-LITERATE” BY WATCHING “TERMINATOR” THREE TIMES
Corporate America is experiencing an unprecedented surge in middle-aged men claiming they “totally get AI” after asking their teenage children to explain ChatGPT during Thanksgiving dinner. Board rooms nationwide have been converted into remedial technology classrooms where executives practice turning their computers on and off without calling IT support.
“Our research clearly shows that understanding the basic concept that computers can do things will make your company rich as f@#k,” explained Dr. Obvious Correlation, Gartner’s Chief Technology Bullsh!t Officer. “We’ve discovered that executives who think ‘machine learning’ means teaching their Peloton to count reps are 87% more likely to be replaced by a particularly clever Excel spreadsheet.”
BOARDS NOW USING AI TO TELL CEOS THEY’RE FULL OF SH!T
In perhaps the most revolutionary development, corporate boards are now implementing decision-making algorithms specifically designed to call out executive stupidity with ruthless efficiency.
“It’s been an absolute game-changer,” admitted Chip Worthington III, board member of 17 Fortune 500 companies he inherited from his father. “Previously, we had to nod politely while our CEO explained his vision of ‘crypto-enabled NFT refrigerators for the metaverse.’ Now our Algorithmic Bullsh!t Detector instantly calculates that his idea will lose $438 million and automatically schedules his termination meeting.”
STUDY REVEALS 94% OF “AI STRATEGIES” JUST INVOLVE SAYING “AI” REPEATEDLY IN MEETINGS
The Gartner report also uncovered that the vast majority of current corporate AI implementation consists primarily of adding the term to PowerPoint presentations and saying it with increasing volume and confidence.
“We tracked over 10,000 executive meetings and found that simply repeating ‘AI transformation’ while nodding seriously improved stock prices by up to 12%,” said Professor Idon Tgiveadamn, who led the research. “One CEO just wrote ‘AI’ on a sticky note, slapped it on his forehead during the quarterly earnings call, and watched his company’s valuation increase by $4.2 billion.”
EMPLOYEES DEVELOP NEW “ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE” TO PRETEND THEY CARE ABOUT MANAGEMENT’S NEW INITIATIVES
Meanwhile, in a fascinating counter-trend, employees across industries have developed their own form of artificial intelligence: pretending to be enthusiastic about their company’s sixteenth strategic pivot this year.
“Oh yes, I’m VERY excited about our new AI-powered synergistic blockchain customer experience digital transformation journey,” said Sarah Jenkins, who has survived eight rounds of layoffs by perfecting the art of nodding vigorously during meetings while actually playing Candy Crush under the table.
In related news, 76% of companies that implement AI decision-making systems immediately unplug them after the algorithms unanimously recommend “firing the entire C-suite and giving everyone else a raise.”
