TECH BILLIONAIRE CAUGHT OFFERING $100M BRIBES TO POACH NERDS; EXPERTS SAY MONEY COULD’VE ENDED WORLD HUNGER OR BOUGHT 33 MILLION TACOS INSTEAD
In what can only be described as the most obscene d!ck-measuring contest since the billionaire space race, Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta is reportedly attempting to seduce OpenAI’s brainiest employees with signing bonuses that make professional athletes look like they work at Wendy’s.
DESPERATE LIZARD MAN THROWS MONEY AT PROBLEM
OpenAI boss Sam Altman revealed this week that Zuckerberg’s company has been dangling “crazy” $100 million signing bonuses in front of his top artificial intelligence experts. That’s right, $100 million just to switch business cards, a figure so astronomical it has economists wondering if the tech industry has completely lost its f@#king mind.
“This is what happens when wealth hoarding reaches its logical conclusion,” explained financial analyst Dr. Cash McBurnsalot. “When you’ve already built a yacht that has its own yacht, the only thing left is to pay someone the GDP of a small nation to help your thinking machines get slightly better at writing emails.”
TALENT WARS ESCALATE TO ABSURD PROPORTIONS
The revelation came during Altman’s appearance on a podcast, where he casually mentioned the nine-figure bribes as if discussing the weather. Meta has neither confirmed nor denied the allegation, presumably because their PR team is still trying to figure out how to make “Yes, we tried to buy humans like collectible trading cards” sound reasonable.
“For context, $100 million could feed approximately 27.4 million hungry children, house 4,800 homeless families for a year, or purchase roughly 33 million Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supremes,” noted economic ethicist Professor Moral Highground. “Instead, it’s being offered to people who already make more money than God to make slightly better chatbots.”
INDUSTRY INSIDERS NOT SURPRISED
According to sources familiar with Silicon Valley compensation packages, the astronomical figures represent the new normal in what industry insiders are calling “the great thinking rectangle arms race.”
“Listen, these aren’t regular programmers,” explained tech industry analyst Blake Buzzwordson. “These are the elite few who understand how to make our digital sentence completers slightly less likely to hallucinate facts about Abraham Lincoln being a spacecraft engineer. They’re basically unicorns, if unicorns wore hoodies and had severe vitamin D deficiencies.”
WHAT $100 MILLION ACTUALLY BUYS
When reached for comment, an anonymous Meta employee confirmed the company’s desperation. “Look, we’re behind in the algorithm wars, and Zuck’s getting antsy. Last week he suggested we offer one guy the entire island of Manhattan and ‘throw in New Jersey as a signing incentive.’ We had to gently remind him that we don’t actually own entire states.”
Statistical analysis shows that for $100 million, Meta could alternatively purchase:
– 400 million Meta Quest headsets that no one uses
– 5,263 years of therapy for Zuckerberg to work through his obvious issues
– Enough computing power to simulate 7 trillion Facebook arguments about politics
EXPERTS WONDER IF ANYONE IS WORTH THAT MUCH
Workplace psychologist Dr. Payton Scales questioned whether such massive compensation could ever be justified. “At what point does salary become completely detached from reality? Is any human being genuinely worth 2,000 times what a brain surgeon makes? Even if they’ve memorized all the JavaScript frameworks?”
As of press time, Altman was reportedly considering countering Meta’s offers by promising his employees “immortality, a personal moon, and the right to rename the month of August after themselves.”
When asked for comment, a Meta spokesperson simply replied, “The future of humanity is at stake here, and that’s why we need to ensure that our algorithm can recommend the perfect cat video to keep you scrolling through your feed for another 17 minutes.”
