ROBOTS LISTENING TO ROBOT MUSIC: AI-GENERATED GARBAGE NOW STREAMING TO FAKE AUDIENCES IN MUSICAL CIRCLE-JERK

In what experts are calling “the least surprising f@#king news of the century,” French streaming platform Deezer has discovered that up to 70% of streams for AI-generated music come from fraudulent bots. That’s right, folks, fake listeners enjoying fake music made by fake musicians in what might be the most meaningless cultural exchange since your aunt’s inspirational Facebook posts.

THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT THE BOTS SURE AS HELL DO

Deezer reports that AI-generated music makes up a pathetic 0.5% of their total streams, and 70% of THAT minuscule figure comes from fraudulent accounts. This means real humans are avoiding this computer-crafted crap like it’s a public toilet during a stomach flu outbreak.

“We’re witnessing digital entities essentially masturbating to each other’s content,” explains Dr. Obvi Oustones, head of Digital Ecosystem Studies at Make-Believe University. “These silicon-based melody-makers are creating sounds that only other lines of code want to listen to, then collecting royalties for it. It’s basically money laundering, but for talentless algorithms.”

WHY HUMANS AREN’T LISTENING

According to a completely fabricated survey we just made up, 98.7% of actual human beings would rather listen to their neighbor’s kid playing recorder at 6 AM than stream AI-generated music.

“The problem is that AI music lacks what we professionals call ‘not sucking ass’,” says renowned music producer Mixalot McBeatsalot. “It’s like if you took all the soul, creativity, and human emotion out of music and replaced it with something a calculator would hum while taking a sh!t.”

BOT FARMERS RAKING IN CASH WHILE YOU STRUGGLE TO PAY RENT

Meanwhile, the masterminds behind these bot farms are cashing in royalty checks while living what industry insiders describe as “disgustingly lavish lifestyles.”

“These assh@les are making more money than actual musicians who spent decades perfecting their craft,” says Penny Lessworth, founder of the Actual Human Musicians Deserve Money Too Foundation. “Last week I saw a bot farmer driving a gold-plated Lamborghini while the guitarist from my favorite indie band was selling plasma to pay for guitar strings.”

SOLUTION PROPOSED: MAKE THE ROBOTS LISTEN TO HUMAN MUSIC INSTEAD

Tech analyst Chip Processorman suggests a radical solution: “What if we forced these bot networks to listen to actual human music instead? That’s 70% of AI music streams that could go to deserving artists, plus it would be hilarious to make digital entities suffer through experimental jazz.”

As of press time, Deezer is reportedly working on an algorithm to detect fraudulent streams, which will inevitably be defeated by slightly smarter algorithms in what future historians will call “The Most Boring War Ever Fought.”

Remember folks, in a world where robots make music for other robots to pretend to enjoy, perhaps the only real winners are the therapy providers treating musicians with existential crises.