MICROSOFT DEMANDS 97% OF OPENAI’S SOUL, OFFERS GIFT CARD IN RETURN

In a move that surprises absolutely no one with a functioning brainstem, Microsoft announced plans to acquire an even larger stake in OpenAI, requesting “just the tip of your innovation iceberg and maybe your entire f@#king future too.”

TECH GIANT PROPOSES “MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL RELATIONSHIP” THAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE DIGITAL COLONIZATION

Microsoft executives, fresh from their morning bath in the tears of independent developers, outlined their vision for a “partnership” that industry experts describe as “less of a marriage and more of a hostage situation.”

“We’re simply requesting a reasonable adjustment to our investment terms,” explained Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella while slowly petting a white cat. “We merely want a tiny increase from our current stake to approximately all of it.”

According to sources who requested anonymity because they enjoy having a career, Microsoft’s definition of “larger stake” translates roughly to “we want your firstborn child and naming rights to any ideas you have while showering for the next century.”

RESTRUCTURING PLAN INCLUDES CONVERTING OPENAI EMPLOYEES INTO ACTUAL MICROSOFT PRODUCTS

The proposed restructuring would transition OpenAI from its current not-for-profit status to what financial analysts are calling a “profit-for-Microsoft” model.

“This is a completely standard business arrangement,” insisted Microsoft’s Chief Financial Overlord, Penny Pincher. “We invest billions, you surrender your corporate soul. It’s Capitalism 101, people.”

EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER OPENAI WILL REMAIN “OPEN” OR JUST BECOME MICROSOFT’S DIGITAL SWEATSHOP

Dr. Obvious Concern from the Institute of Stating the Bloody Obvious pointed out the irony. “When your company has ‘Open’ in its name but Microsoft wants to put it in a locked cage covered with Windows logos, you might have a branding issue.”

A survey conducted by the Totally Real Research Center found that 87% of tech workers couldn’t distinguish between Microsoft’s acquisition strategy and a boa constrictor’s feeding habits.

OpenAI employees reportedly received new company ID badges featuring tiny Microsoft logos that grow 1mm larger with each passing day.

SHAREHOLDERS EXCITED ABOUT PROFIT POTENTIAL, HUMANITY LESS THRILLED

Microsoft shareholders erupted in joy at the news, with stock prices climbing faster than a tech bro’s ego after receiving venture capital funding.

“This is going to be amazing for our quarterly earnings,” gushed Wall Street analyst Monie B. Madehere. “Sure, the concentration of AI power in the hands of one mega-corporation might lead to a dystopian nightmare scenario, but have you SEEN our projected Q4 numbers?”

When asked about potential concerns regarding monopolistic behavior, Microsoft released a statement consisting entirely of a winky face emoji and the words “too big to regulate, baby.”

At press time, OpenAI was reportedly considering a counterproposal that involves changing their name to “MicrosoftAI But We Still Have Dignity We Swear” and accepting payment in the form of vintage Clippy memorabilia.