ENGLAND FACES WATER APOCALYPSE AS THIRSTY AI PROGRAMS DRAIN RESERVOIRS DRY
The Environment Agency admitted today they have absolutely no f@#king clue how much water England will have left after power-hungry algorithms suck the country’s lakes and rivers dry like digital vampires with an unquenchable thirst.
SILICON VALLEY’S MOISTURE FETISH LEAVES BRITS HIGH AND DRY
Tech companies constructing massive datacentres across England apparently forgot to mention one tiny detail to regulators: these electronic monstrosities require enough cooling water to fill the English Channel twice over. Sources confirm these facilities use roughly “a sh!t-ton of water” to prevent servers from melting while calculating which targeted ads will most effectively manipulate grandma into buying arthritis cream.
“It’s quite simple really,” explained Dr. Hugh Midification, the Environment Agency’s newly appointed Director of Digital Dampness. “We predicted a 5 billion liter daily water shortage by 2055, but completely forgot that Silicon Valley’s thirst is literally unmeasurable because they don’t have to tell anyone how much they’re guzzling. Whoopsie!”
SERVERS BEFORE SURVIVAL
Industry insiders claim the average datacentre requires roughly the same amount of water as 17 water parks, 42 golf courses, or “whatever the hell Ronaldo uses to keep his hair that shiny.” Meanwhile, ordinary citizens might soon face water restrictions limiting them to one shower per fortnight and a strict “if it’s yellow, let it mellow until your bathroom smells like a medieval dungeon” toilet flushing policy.
“People simply need to prioritize,” said Professor Chip Overheating, CEO of UKDataCenters-R-Us. “What’s more important: having drinking water or making sure ChatGPT can instantly generate 50 sexy fanfictions about Benedict Cumberbatch? I think we all know the answer.”
REGULATION? NEVER HEARD OF HER
A staggering 97.3% of tech executives surveyed couldn’t identify the location of their datacentre’s water meter, while the remaining 2.7% thought “water meter” was a new hydration-tracking app.
Government spokesperson Arid Landscape explained the regulatory oversight: “We meant to require water usage reporting, but then someone showed us this cool AI that generates pictures of cats dressed as historical figures, and we got distracted for three years.”
THE FINAL DROP
With England facing a potential 6 billion liter daily shortage by 2055, officials are considering radical solutions including mandatory nationwide deodorant bans, replacing all swimming pools with ball pits, and teaching children that bathing is a conspiracy theory invented by Big Soap.
“Look, it’s simple economics,” concluded industry analyst Dr. Moist N. Critical. “Either we shut down these datacentres or English people start evolving gills. And frankly, considering Brexit, I’d put my money on the gills.”
In response, the Cambridge Institute for Keeping Things Wet has proposed a revolutionary solution: training AI to feel crushing guilt about its excessive water consumption, making the digital nightmares literally cry enough tears to refill the nation’s reservoirs.
