NATION THAT SURVIVED KILLER SPIDERS AND BOX JELLYFISH WELCOMES EVEN MORE DANGEROUS PREDATOR: AMAZON’S SERVER FARMS
In a move that has digital koalas scrambling for eucalyptus-flavored antacids, Amazon announced plans to dump a f@#king MOUNTAIN of cash – AUD$20 billion – into Australian soil to build what experts are calling “the world’s most expensive way to store pictures of your ex.”
LOCAL REACTION SURPRISINGLY POSITIVE
“We’re absolutely chuffed,” said Sydney resident Barbie McFoster, while nervously glancing at her Alexa device. “First we survived the deadliest wildlife on the planet, then the British penal colony thing, and now we get to host the physical manifestation of Jeff Bezos’s digital wet dreams. Bloody rippa!”
THE TECHNICAL DETAILS NOBODY ASKED FOR
The investment will create a sprawling network of data centers that will consume roughly the same amount of electricity as 17 billion kangaroos watching Netflix simultaneously. According to Amazon’s press release, these facilities will “support the rising demand for AI and cloud services,” which is corporate-speak for “we need somewhere to store all those d!ck pics you think disappeared after 10 seconds on Snapchat.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH PREDICTABLE ALARM
“This is clearly the beginning of the end,” explained Dr. Cassandra Doomsdayer, Professor of Apocalyptic Economics at University of Who Gives A Sh!t. “Once Amazon completes its server farm network, they’ll achieve what we in the scientific community refer to as ‘digital colonization.’ Australia went from British prison to American digital basement in just 235 years. That’s progress, mate!”
ECONOMIC IMPACT MEASURED IN RIDICULOUS METRICS
The investment is expected to create approximately 11,000 jobs, or as economists calculate it: “enough employment to buy exactly 7.3 smashed avocado toasts per Australian millennial.” Amazon claims the economic benefit will exceed AUD$16.2 billion, though 99.7% of that will reportedly go toward reinforcing server rooms against drop bear attacks.
THE ENVIRONMENTAL COST NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
“These data centers will use enough water to fill Sydney Harbor 0.4 times,” noted environmental scientist Brett Oceanson. “But don’t worry, Amazon assures us they’ll offset this by planting three (3) trees and giving employees metal straws at the company cafeteria.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR PORN COLLECTION
With expanded cloud capacity, Australians can now store an estimated 842 terabytes of “private material” per citizen. “Finally, I can upload my entire collection of ‘special interest videos’ without paying for extra iCloud storage,” said Melbourne resident who asked to remain anonymous but whose name is definitely Trevor Jenkings, 42, of 17 Wallaby Lane.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SUSPICIOUSLY SUPPORTIVE
“This investment proves Australia is a world-class technology hub,” declared Prime Minister Anthony Albanese while struggling to connect his Bluetooth headphones. “We’re not just a nation of surfers and people who say ‘mate’ anymore. We’re a nation of surfers and people who say ‘mate’ with really fast internet.”
As Amazon breaks ground on what locals are already calling “SkyNet with an Aussie accent,” the question remains: will the last human job in Australia be throwing another shrimp on the barbie, or just rebooting the servers when they inevitably crash from processing too many AI-generated images of kangaroos wearing bikinis?
