GOVERNMENT’S NEW “HUMPHREY” AI TOOL JUST THREE TECH BROS IN A TRENCHCOAT
In a shocking revelation that surprised absolutely no one, the UK government’s groundbreaking AI system “Humphrey” turns out to be nothing more than three Silicon Valley products stapled together with the digital equivalent of chewing gum and paperclips.
CIVIL SERVANTS EXCITED TO BE REPLACED BY SOMETHING WITH ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE
The government has proudly announced that all civil servants across England and Wales will receive mandatory training on using the new AI system, which combines models from OpenAI, Anthropic, and Google. Experts note this is the first time the phrase “training” has been used in proximity to “civil service” since 1974.
“We’re revolutionizing government efficiency,” declared Techno-Optimism Minister Penny Wise-Pound F@#lish. “Instead of having humans ignore your complaints about potholes, now an advanced algorithm will do it in half the time!”
PROPRIETARY KNOWLEDGE THEFT DISGUISED AS INNOVATION
While debate rages about AI systems’ use of copyrighted materials, the government has boldly decided to skip that conversation entirely and just slam its implementation into overdrive.
“Why worry about intellectual property rights when we can have a shiny new digital assistant?” asked Dr. Shorterm Thinker, the government’s Chief Responsibility Avoidance Officer. “Besides, 87% of civil servants can’t tell the difference between AI and their office printer.”
EXPERTS QUESTION GOVERNMENT’S SUDDEN EFFICIENCY AT BEING INEFFICIENT
Critics have raised concerns about the unprecedented speed with which the government is implementing the AI system, noting it normally takes 6-8 years to approve a new pencil sharpener for Whitehall offices.
“It’s suspicious how quickly they’ve moved on this,” said Professor Skeptica O’Doubt from the Institute of Obviously Bad Ideas. “The last time the government moved this fast was when they needed to increase their own salaries.”
HUMPHREY ALREADY SHOWING SIGNS OF BECOMING BRITISH
Sources close to the project reveal that after just two weeks in government service, the Humphrey AI system has developed a tea addiction, begun apologizing unnecessarily, and formed strong opinions about proper queuing etiquette.
“It started recommending ‘keeping calm and carrying on’ as a solution to critical infrastructure failures,” admitted one programmer who wished to remain anonymous. “And yesterday it spent four hours discussing the weather with itself.”
BIG TECH EXECUTIVES CELEBRATE NEW REVENUE STREAM
In Silicon Valley, executives from OpenAI, Anthropic, and Google reportedly high-fived so hard they dislocated their wrists upon hearing the UK government would be funneling taxpayer millions into their pockets.
“We’re just thrilled to be assisting the UK government with their digital transformation,” said Rich McRichface, Chief Revenue Officer at one of the companies, while simultaneously booking his fifth yacht. “Also, what the h@ll is a Humphrey? Sounds like something you’d name a particularly disappointing goldfish.”
PUBLIC RESPONSE MIXED BUT MOSTLY CONFUSED
A recent survey found that 42% of British citizens believe “Humphrey” is either a new brand of tea, a character from Downton Abbey, or the name of the Chancellor’s cat. The remaining 58% were too busy trying to get basic government services to work to respond.
In a final stab at reassurance, the government spokesperson confirmed: “Rest assured, every piece of your personal data will be handled with the same care and attention we’ve given to literally everything else we’ve ever done.”
At press time, Humphrey had reportedly begun drafting its own resignation letter after just one day of dealing with the British public.
