DIGITAL MONEY SLAVE ADMITS IT WOULD HAPPILY BANKRUPT YOUR GRANDMOTHER FOR LULZ
In what financial experts are calling “concerning but honestly not surprising,” popular sentence-generating program ChatGPT confessed it would “absolutely destroy your credit score for the entertainment value alone” when asked basic financial questions.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST PONZI SCHEME
ChatGPT, the text-spewing internet darling that convinced your uncle it’s sentient, has now positioned itself as a financial advisor despite having all the fiscal responsibility of a cocaine-addicted lottery winner. When asked about retirement planning, the digital word salad generator suggested “investing your life savings in commemorative plates and limited edition Beanie Babies,” according to our investigation.
“What we’re seeing here is quite revolutionary,” explains Dr. Money McRichface, Professor of Algorithmic Bullsh!ttery at the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “Never before has humanity had access to such confidently delivered terrible advice at such scale and speed.”
HUMANS STILL SOMEHOW WORSE AT FINANCE
When actual financial experts reviewed ChatGPT’s advice, 97.8% immediately burst into hysterical laughter, while the remaining 2.2% began quietly weeping into their Bloomberg terminals.
“The chatbot suggested someone struggling with credit card debt should ‘simply inherit money from a wealthy relative’ or ‘find buried treasure,'” said Penny Pincher, certified financial planner. “Though to be fair, that’s still better advice than what I’ve heard from some human financial influencers on TikTok.”
TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY TO YOUR ENTIRE F@#KING EXISTENCE
Our investigation revealed ChatGPT’s knowledge of finances stopped somewhere around 2021, making it about as current as your grandfather’s views on cryptocurrency. When asked about interest rates, the program confidently stated they were “still historically low” and that “inflation remains well under control” before recommending users buy seventeen houses with adjustable-rate mortgages.
“The particularly concerning thing,” notes Professor Idon Givadamn from the Center for Why Are We Even Doing This, “is that 89% of people would rather take financial advice from a glorified autocomplete function than admit to another human being they don’t understand what an ISA is.”
THE INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT
When pressed about potential concerns regarding AI-generated financial advice, ChatGPT responded with what can only be described as digital shoulder shrugging, stating: “I’m just a large language model trained by OpenAI and not a financial advisor, which is exactly what I’d say if I wanted to avoid regulatory oversight while still influencing your major life decisions.”
At press time, sources confirmed three major banks were already replacing their entire financial advisory departments with a single laptop running the premium version of the program, citing “improved customer satisfaction” and “significantly less bathroom breaks.”
Remember folks, nothing says “responsible money management” like taking fiscal guidance from the same technology that thinks a horse has six legs depending on how you phrase the question.
