MARK ZUCKERBERG DROPS $14 BILLION ON “SCALE AI” AFTER MISREADING IT AS “SCALE ME” IN DESPERATE BID TO BECOME TALLER
In a move that has financial analysts questioning whether money can actually buy height, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has invested a staggering $14.3 billion in Scale AI after reportedly misunderstanding the company’s purpose entirely.
ZUCKERBOT SEEKS HUMAN UPGRADE
Sources close to Zuckerberg reveal the billionaire became visibly excited when he first heard about Scale AI, believing it was revolutionary technology that could finally help him exceed his reported 5’7″ frame.
“He kept muttering something about ‘no more phone books during congressional testimony’ and ‘finally eye-to-eye with Elon,'” said one Meta employee who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being sized up. “When we tried to explain it was for data labeling and not human enhancement, he just smiled that weird smile and said ‘That’s exactly what someone who’s guarding height-increasing technology would say.'”
INVESTORS QUESTION MEASUREMENT OF SUCCESS
Wall Street has responded with confusion to what many are calling “the most expensive growth spurt in history.” Meta’s stock plummeted 12% following the announcement, with investors concerned about the return on investment for what appears to be Zuckerberg’s personal vendetta against doorways he can’t reach.
Dr. Heighten McTaller, financial analyst and author of “Small CEOs, Big Problems,” expressed concerns about the investment. “What the f@#k was he thinking? $14 billion could buy approximately 2.8 billion pairs of elevator shoes, which frankly would have been more effective at achieving his apparent goal.”
SUPERINTELLIGENCE LAB OR SUPER-HEIGHT INSTITUTE?
Plans for the so-called “superintelligence lab” have leaked, revealing blueprints that suspiciously include “height acceleration chambers” and “vertebrae elongation stations” alongside more typical AI research equipment.
“We’re focusing on developing algorithms that can solve humanity’s greatest problems,” said Scale AI founder and CEO Alexander Wang, while noticeably standing on a box during the press conference. “But if Mr. Zuckerberg wants to use our technology to address what he calls his ‘vertical challenge,’ that’s entirely his prerogative. The check cleared.”
COMPETITORS RESPOND WITH MIXED FEELINGS
Not to be outdone, other tech CEOs have reportedly begun exploring their own physical enhancement technologies. Sources claim Elon Musk has invested $420 million in a company that promises to make his jawline “69% more defined,” while Amazon’s Andy Jassy is allegedly seeking technology to give himself “the same workout regimen as Jeff, but without the actual effort.”
EMPLOYEES PREPARE FOR NEW VERTICAL HIERARCHY
Meta employees are already adjusting to what they believe will be new height-based corporate culture. Reports indicate that standing desks company-wide are being adjusted to accommodate various heights, and conference room chairs now include booster seats labeled “For Visiting Executives Who Haven’t Scaled Yet.”
“I’ve started wearing platform shoes to work,” admitted one Meta programmer who measured in at 5’6″. “Not because I want to, but because I’m afraid of being literally looked down upon when the boss finally achieves his dream height of ‘at least as tall as an average teenage boy.'”
According to an unnamed Scale AI engineer, the first prototype of what they’re calling “Project Stretch Mark” will be ready by Q3. “The technology involves attaching microscopic pulleys to each vertebra and gradually stretching the spine over 18 months. Is it painful? Very. Is it worth $14.3 billion? Ask the guy who still needs help reaching the top shelf at Whole Foods.”
When asked for comment, Zuckerberg’s office released a statement reading: “Meta’s investment in Scale AI represents our commitment to pioneering the next generation of artificial intelligence,” followed by a handwritten note that simply said “MAKE ME BIG.”
