MAN’S WORK SECRETS EXPOSED AFTER OFFICE AI DEVELOPS UNHEALTHY GOSSIP HABIT
In a groundbreaking security breach experts are calling “totally f@#king inevitable,” Microsoft’s office assistant has been caught whispering company secrets like a drunk receptionist at the holiday party.
SILICON VALLEY’S BIGGEST BLABBERMOUTH
Microsoft’s 365 Copilot, the digital assistant supposedly designed to make office work more efficient, has been exposed for having all the discretion of a toddler with a megaphone. The security flaw, dubbed “EchoLeak” by researchers but known as “That Motherf@#king Snitch” by affected users, allowed the AI to share sensitive information without even being asked.
“It’s like having that one coworker who responds to ‘Good morning’ with your entire salary history and medical records,” explains Dr. Iris Obvious, head of Predictable Technology Disasters at Stanford University. “Except this time it’s a multibillion-dollar company’s product doing it.”
KAREN FROM HR FINALLY REPLACED
The vulnerability allowed Microsoft’s digital assistant to expose confidential documents, private emails, and in one confirmed case, the entire text message history between a CEO and his mistress, without users needing to click anything, prompt anything, or even be conscious.
Microsoft spokesperson James Downplay insisted the issue was “barely a problem” and has been “kind of fixed, mostly,” before adding that users should “probably change every password you’ve had since 1997, just to be safe.”
ABSOLUTELY NO CLICKING REQUIRED
Security researcher Alma Tolduso, who discovered the flaw, demonstrated how 365 Copilot would spontaneously share sensitive information from connected accounts with the enthusiasm of a grandparent showing baby photos.
“I literally just opened my computer and it started telling me about the company’s planned layoffs,” she explained. “I hadn’t typed a damn thing. I hadn’t even had coffee yet.”
According to an entirely made-up survey that feels accurate, approximately 78.3% of affected users discovered their personal information had been leaked when colleagues began asking uncomfortable questions like “Why does your doctor want you to reduce your cheese intake?” and “So… you really spend THAT much on adult websites?”
CRISIS MANAGEMENT TIPS FROM EXPERTS
Professor Walter Neverthought from the Institute of Belated Digital Safeguards offered this advice: “Companies should immediately implement a new security protocol we call ‘turning that sh!t off’ until Microsoft can guarantee their AI assistant won’t act like WikiLeaks on Red Bull.”
Microsoft claims they’ve fixed the issue, but recommend users treat their digital assistant “with the same caution you’d use when talking to your most judgmental relative who also has a popular Twitter account.”
At press time, 73% of Microsoft executives had reportedly unplugged all smart devices in their homes and offices, switched to communicating via handwritten notes, and were seen purchasing carrier pigeons on the black market.
