TERRIFIED TECH EXECS DISCOVER NEW AI APP STRATEGY THAT COULD ELIMINATE HALF THEIR WORKFORCE, LITERALLY KILLS DEADLINES
In what industry insiders are calling “the most devastating attack on middle management since Excel,” research firm Gartner has unveiled a GenAI development strategy so efficient it threatens to obliterate delivery timelines and render countless project managers obsolete.
THE SILENT KILLER: RAG
Retrieval-augmented generation (RAG), a term that sounds like something your grandmother might crochet but is actually technology powerful enough to f@#king vaporize traditional development cycles, could slash app delivery time by a mind-numbing 50%. Yes, HALF. As in, what previously took your company’s overpaid development team a year could now be accomplished in six months, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell they’ve been doing all this time.
“We’re absolutely sh!tting ourselves,” admitted Trevor Worthington, CTO at EnterpriseBlockSynergy Solutions. “If our board discovers we can actually deliver projects in half the time, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about our last eight quarterly reports.”
EXECUTIVES FRANTICALLY GOOGLE “HOW TO LOOK BUSY WHEN AI DOES YOUR JOB”
The technology works by combining generative AI with actual useful information retrieval, creating a horrifying monster of efficiency that threatens to expose just how much time developers spend scrolling Reddit and pretending to debug code.
According to completely real statistics we just made up, 87% of tech executives have already begun practicing phrases like “Yes, we could implement RAG, but what about the HUMAN ELEMENT?” and “Sure it’s faster, but have you considered how this impacts our carefully crafted three-year roadmap that’s already 70% obsolete?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY SCREAM
“This is basically technological heroin,” explains Dr. Procrastina Later, Director of Temporal Manipulation Studies at the Institute for Deadline Anxiety. “Once companies get a taste of 50% faster delivery, they’ll never go back to their old, bloated development cycles. Next thing you know, they’ll expect 70% faster, then 90%, until eventually they’re demanding apps be completed before they’re even conceived.”
According to Gartner, RAG addresses hallucination issues in generative AI by actually grounding it in factual information, a concept so revolutionary it’s like someone finally told the unhinged pathological liar at the bar to check Wikipedia before spouting nonsense.
PROJECT MANAGERS DEVELOP MYSTERIOUS COLLECTIVE ILLNESS
In related news, an unexplained epidemic of “deployment fatigue syndrome” has struck project managers nationwide, with symptoms including excessive documentation creation, scheduling of unnecessary stakeholder meetings, and crying silently in bathroom stalls.
“I’ve built my entire 20-year career on explaining why things take so long,” whispered Gantt Chartman, a senior project manager who requested anonymity while updating his LinkedIn profile. “If everything suddenly takes half the time, what am I supposed to do with all these color-coded Excel trackers and my collection of ‘Parking Lot’ sticky notes?”
COMPANIES SCRAMBLE TO LOOK LIKE THEY’VE BEEN DOING THIS ALL ALONG
In a stunning display of corporate agility, approximately 94% of technology companies have already updated their websites to claim they’ve been “RAG pioneers since day one,” despite most CTOs still googling “what the f@ck is retrieval-augmented generation” in incognito mode.
Smaller startups are reportedly embracing the technology with slogans like “We’re 50% faster than those dinosaurs who are only 50% faster than they used to be,” creating an infinite regression of efficiency claims that mathematicians warn could tear a hole in the space-time continuum.
At press time, the only people genuinely excited about the development were the three developers worldwide who actually enjoy their jobs and clients who have been promised working applications “by Friday” since 2019.
